Sunday 11 October 2015

So I'm selfish am I?

If that's how you see me then that's OK, but please finish reading this post before you say it or think it about me.

I gave up literally everything I'd known all my life to move to Gloucester with Steve almost 17 years ago.
I gave up seeing my mum regularly.
I gave up 2 jobs I loved and was good at.
I gave up friendships.
I gave up my pets.
I gave up seeing my friends every day.
I gave up being able to see my family.
I gave up being able to visit my dad's grave.

I basically said goodbye to everything I was.  I said goodbye to the person I'd been becoming for 21 years.

When I moved to Gloucester aged 21 I was starting afresh again.  Nothing was the same any more.

I then found out I had Endometriosis so I'm probably infertile.
Then I became ill which lead to a disability that I'm unlikely to recover from.
Then the depression kicked in and that lead to psychosis.

I haven't seen my mum for 5 years but Steve sees his family at least once a week.

Steve's sister comes over most Monday's to help Steve put the food shopping away and most of the time I can't put a foot right with her... either the house doesn't meet her expectations or I'm not doing enough for Steve or I need to care for and support her brother more because he can't do everything himself.

Well I'm sorry Marie, but the only thing I don't do here is to... I don't even know!  Steve works from home and has got leg ulcers that a carer changes every day but he's more able to do things physically than I am, yet all he does is sit on the sofa watching TV or snoring away in his sleep.

It's me that does everything while Steve stays in here doing bugger all.  Steve's more able to do stuff than me but he can't even empty the kitchen bin when it's full.  I'm not tall enough to do it which is the only reason I don't do it but Steve's more than willing to take the credit for things I've done and doesn't even attempt to correct Marie when she praises him!

I've had as much as I can take from both of them now and the next time Marie blames me for not helping Steve I'll say to her that he won't mind doing it for just one more week while I don't do the things I've been doing all the f**king time that she's been praising Steve!

I still stand by what I said about doing everything and I didn't give Steve credit for emptying the kitchen bin because it's been literally months since he last did it and he doesn't even ask his carer to do it yet she's more than able to fold our clothes and put them in a box for him!

I give up.

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