Friday 30 April 2021

6.5 hours now of care just for Steve today...

...and he's done buggar all for me all week.  He's just finished off the decaff coffee too, so I'm stuck with decaff tea until Sunday now, even though he hasn't been told to stick to decaff and I have.


He knows that I'm keeping a record of all the care we have been providing for each other this week and he said to put making the cake onto his care list, so he's gained 2 hours despite him spending maybe 10 minutes mixing the soaked fruit with the flour and bunging it in the oven, then coming in here and falling asleep for two hours before taking it out of the oven then coming back in here and falling asleep again... is that considered to be caring for me?


Just finished studying for the day and I...

...managed to pass all of the assessments, even though the last one took 3 attempts lol


Time for me to do my exercises then start winding down for the night, before I take my last pill of the day.


It's 11.45am and I've already done todays 5 hours of care of Steve but...

...he hasn't even cared for me for 1 minute, despite being registered as my carer.  This week his care for both of us has lasted for literally 10 minutes (I've been keeping a spreadsheet since last Monday) and last weeks 2 hours and 42 minutes (with only 2 minutes for me alone when he made me a bottle of squash) adds up to 2 hours 52 minutes instead of the 60 it should be by the end of today, to entitle him to the Carers Allowance.

News for 30th April 2021

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30th April 2021

What are social determinants of health?

13 Telltale Signs You're In A One-Sided Friendship & How To Handle It - Amanda's comment: Yep, each of the three people I'm closest to meet 11 of these 13 signs each. The only two that they don't meet are the narcistic qualities (number 9 in the list) and making me feel ill (the last one on the list) but each friend meets the other 11.

No Need to Take Risks to Prove Friendship

Unlikely friendship blossoms during the pandemic

Man In Need Of Kidney Forms Life-Saving Friendship With Donor Who Worked In Same Building

21 women share the toxic friendship red flags they wish they had spotted sooner.

Christopher Martin On How Friendship With Usain Bolt Impacted His Career; Whether Dancehall Influences Crime

5 times Somizi and Vusi Nova gave us friendship goals

Elton John branded Princess Diana 'incredibly indiscreet gossip' before royal snub

How Khloe Kardashian and Jacqueline Jossa have bonded over their insecurities

William and Kate’s 10th wedding anniversary: Royal expert shares the secret to the couple’s marriage

I've taken my pills, made breakfast for both of us, finished the virus scan...

...done one set of news (the second set will be up after I've published this post), brought our prescriptions in, already cared for Steve more this morning than he's cared for us both for the last 5 days all rolled into one, yet he's supposed to be my carer, so now I've just got one more set of news to do then I can carry on caring for Steve and supporting everyone else online 'cos that is what everyone expects of me.

Thursday 29 April 2021

I was semi-wrong this morning, sorry about that

In this morning's rant I said we'd prolly be with Steve's family for 6 hours but we were actually there for 4 today, which is the same length of time that Steve's seen my family since the start of July 2010 because he didn't come to the funeral with me for support, he just went to the pub for the free food and drink for 2 hours afterwards, then we saw my mum again on 17th August 2010 for a couple of hours and haven't seen her since.


We've got the spread again now though, so surely I'll be able to have food again for the first time in 3 days, right?




Yet again Steve wants me to survive on 10 biscuits a day 'cos his fucking cake is more important than me putting on weight like the nurse at my GP surgery has been telling me to do since September 2020 and if I haven't put on enough weight by the time I go and see her in May, she'll be referring me to a Dietician at the hospital for investigations into why I can't put on enough weight.  That'll be my fault too, despite living on bread and spread to send my calorie count through the roof.


I've had about as much as I can take of Steve recently.




Steve checked the fruit for today's fruit cake and said...

...that he wouldn't feel up to cooking after doing the cake, so I asked him what we were going to have for lunch and he said we would prolly still be at his parents then and that he was going to have bagels and cream cheese for tea which is too late for me to eat without feeling sick when I lay down, so that'll be three consecutive days with under 1,000 calories and it sounds like Steve's planning on spending the entire day with his family, which'll be about 6 hours which is just under what I've seen my mum since the Summer of 2010.


He then ranted about my brother not bringing her over here and said "the road works both ways."


I honestly think that the next time I see my mum will be at her funeral 'cos she's 76 now and her health isn't the best so the last time I will have seen her will have been 17th August 2010, yet Steve sees his dad and sister every week, his mum every 6 weeks and we've spent every Christmas day with them since 1998.

I love you Mum and I'm sorry for not seeing you for well over a decade!

Wednesday 28 April 2021

Achieved a fair amount today, sooo

...I think I'm entitled to an early night when my Kindle has finished charging up.


The film was OK and I can see why it was a popular 80's kids thing... I can also see where J K Rowling got some of her ideas for her Harry Potter books lol


The book was a huuuge disappointment - I only got 8% of the way through before I couldn't knock any more stars off.  I'm just glad I got it out of the way before I go to get my hair cut at the in-laws tomorrow. 

The monthly deep scan is 26% of the way through after almost 14 hours, so I'm gonna check the box to say to shut down after it's finished, then take my pills and head to bed.

Nite nite orl.  See you at some point tomorrow.

Virus scan started, pills taken, shower had, laundry started, so now I can... the 3 sets of news, read the book then review it and watch the film (and possibly review it).


It'll be instant zoop for lunch today 'cos of the deep monthly virus scan and we're gonna get our hair cuts tomorrow, so won't be able to do the news until we get back and after I've done the backups too.


My daily exercises are doing wonders for my calves, but they seem to have stopped reducing my thighs now, so maybe I need to find a different exercise to do to reduce them?

Tuesday 27 April 2021

News sorted, exercises done, still waiting for...

...the enabler to call and/or turn up.  I'm wondering though, with the enabler, if it was a way of seeing how we would cope without her 'cos she said last week that she wouldn't be able to come for much longer, so maybe this is her way of distancing herself to get us used to coping without her support?


News and a comment on 27th April 2021

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27th April 2021

Comedian and TV star Jon Richardson opens up on extraordinary friendship with well known Aylesbury man

Teen Mom Briana DeJesus slams ex Devoin Austin’s friendship with nemesis Kailyn Lowry & says they ‘deserve’ each other

Inseparable Cork shelter dogs with 'fantastic friendship' hoping for forever home together

'It's a brotherhood' - Two giants of military medicine enjoy retirement, friendship, service

A unique friendship that wants a better South Africa for all - Amanda's comment: I like their life motto and I reckon other communities around the world should live by it too - especially during the pandemic! 

Yesterday's bread tasted soo good, so we're...

...gonna have some more for breakfast, when Steve's finished his drink and watched his You Tube video.  Bet I won't get it until closer to lunchtime though, same as always!


I've taken my morning pills, made a drink for Steve and now I'm working my way through the news for each of my sites.


The virus scan has finished and I'm still free of viruses and malware.  Tomorrow starts the monthly deep scan, so I've gotta remember not to open either of my email programmes, then we're getting our hair cuts on Thursday, which I'm guessing we'll leave for before the deep scan is finished, so I'll set it to shut down my laptop before we go and then do the backups when we get home.


Has everyone seen The Neverending Story film thingy?  That was one of the news articles and Steve's seen it but I haven't, so Steve's gonna sort out the streaming thingamejig on Amazon Prime later too, so that I can see it and hopefully remember to review it too.  Lemme know what it's about and if I'm likely to get emotional over it and stuff if you've seen it?  Will I need tissues like I did with the Star Wars film I saw at the cinema ("The Phantom Menace" apparently) or is it a more upbeat film please?

Gonna finish off the news then do my exercises before the enabler comes today... Steve reckons she was supposed to call with the time she'd be over but she must have forgotten or summat.  If it's anything like the last few times, it'll be around 11am-ish though and she'll disappear (hopefully with the tinsel and heavy bag of rubbish from my drawers that I sorted out after she'd gone last week) an hour or so later, then we can have our lunch, take my afternoon pill and I can watch the film.

Monday 26 April 2021

Groceries been and gone, fridge stuff put away (surprisingly no freezer stuff this week)...

...and the home-made bread is churning away in the machine ready for Steve to have the first try of after I've gone to bed tonight.  It shows how old it is 'cos Amazon don't appear to sell it any more, but this one seems very similar to the one we've got.

We've got the enabler coming over at some point tomorrow and I've gotta remember to put the hot water on so that I can have a shower and wash my hair on Wednesday, ready for getting our hairs cut on Thursday but I bet Steve'll use the whole bleedin' tank full again then refuse to turn the heater on in here when I come out visibly shaking with cold because he's not cold, just like last time 😡  Should be used to it now I suppose 🙄

I've taken all my day-time pills, so it's just the AP at 7pm then that's it for the day, until it starts again tomorrow.

Time to do my exercises before I forget.  This morning's virus scan was clear and I've put the spreadsheet up for last week on the Fitbit page of my site, so it's all done and dusted now and I can relax and recover until I hit the sack 🛌 tonight.

I was wrong in my last post

Just done the proper adding up of the grocery spend and the joint spend is £15.48, mine is still £9.00 which means Steve's stuff comes to £16.40 - I accidentally included the delivery fee of £3.50 in with Steve's stuff, but his is still the majority of the shop, so my rant still stands.


Just had the receipt for our grocery order, and...

...two of Steve's sandwich fillers have been substituted with two bigger ones which has sent the total to £1.38 over budget, which I'll have to find from somewhere else so that I don't go overdrawn.  


Steve's reaction was to roll his eyes.


Then fall asleep.



I know that £1.38 doesn't sound like much and certainly nothing to get stressed out about, but I've gotta find that money from somewhere else before Friday or I'll go overdrawn which will affect my credit score that is only just starting to improve from last time I was overdrawn.  For literally 5 minutes.  


It really doesn't help that Steve has most of the groceries for himself but doesn't care enough to lend me the £1.38 for literally 7 days, even though I lent him literally thousands in 9 months and he stole all the money from his nephew's savings account (that only I had been paying into) without even telling me.  He promised to pay that back too, two or three years ago, but has seemingly forgotten about that too.  


The groceries for Steve alone now comes to £21.38, my stuff is still £9.00 and the joint stuff is now £16.00, so the majority of the spend is stuff that only Steve can have.  Again.  By more than double.  Again.

I'm just glad we don't share our money like most married couples, or I wouldn't have a penny yet Steve would be buying things for himself.

Sunday 25 April 2021

I was semi right and semi wrong

Just checked the ingredients of the new things and as predicted the soft cheese has an allergen, so that's three less meals for me next week (because he's taken off the grated cheese), but he left all 3 of my soya milk's on, so I'll have one of those for each meal that we would have had the cheese with along with bread and butter when Steve has the soft cheese and bagels.


Shouldn't complain really, 'cos £9 of the shop is for me this week which is an all time record I think!  Steve's stuff comes to £13.95 which leaves £17.38 for joint stuff, but as long as it gets used then that's OK.

I've just had a reminder come up to take my last pills of the day, then I'm gonna shut down and have an early night I reckon.

Nite nite orl.  Sea ewe in the morning.

Wonders will never cease!

Steve's finally called his mum about descaling the kettle and she didn't know, so Steve's searching online and has found that we need to use either white vinegar or bicarbonate of soda but neither of us have any idea of what else you use either of those things for and we're not gonna be baking anything that uses bicarb so I'm pleading for help on here!  


He's found a tub of bicarb and a cheaper tomato ketchup so hopefully we won't be over budget this week - if it was next week there wouldn't be self-raising flour, bread flour, yeast, orange juice or mixed fruit on it and there wouldn't be a problem, it's just a very different week to our usual shop this week!

He's taken off at least one of my soya milkshakes and all the cheese and he's put soft cheese on now as well, that I might not be able to eat, so he's taken off at least three meals and one drink that I know my stomach can cope with and added things that potentially only he can have.  



I should be used to it by now, so why am I still getting pissed off about it?

So far today I've...

  • Taken my morning pills
  • Started the virus scan
  • Put the rubbish and recycling outside, ready for tomorrow
  • Made breakfast for me an' 'im
  • Made hot drink for me an' 'im
  •  Finished writing yesterday's manuscript
  • Wrote the synopsis for the manuscript
  • Made another hot drink for both of us

I'm gonna be making lunch (bread and spread) for both of us too, despite Steve promising that he would make it after we had our lunch yesterday and it was gonna be curry, so that we could have the second pot of curry sauce with it.

Steve, OTOH, has spent this morning hanging 5 pictures and falling asleep.  That's it.  Nothing else.  But apparently he's my carer for "well over" 35 hours a week, when in reality, it's more like 35 hours a quarter!  If I'm lucky!


We're going to get our hairs cut on Thursday and I bet it'll be me getting out of the car to get the money out of the bloody machine.  Again.  I've asked him to ask his mum about how to descale the kettle yesterday too, but I bet he'll deny it, so I'm giving him until Wednesday evening to find out or I'll have to try and remember to ask her on Thursday instead.


I bet he'll take credit for tidying up the kitchen and cleaning the counters on Tuesday too, whereas in reality it's him causing the mess and me tidying up.  I asked him to help me to clean up the kitchen with all the crumbs and drips and stuff that have accumulated since Wednesday and he agreed, so he's got until 2pm to do it or I'll have to do that alone too.  Again.  I bet he'll take credit for that too, just like he did last week when he actually did buggar all.


I'm gonna go and do my exercises now so that I can try and work out some of this frustration then upload the spreadsheet while Steve's asleep.  Again.

Saturday 24 April 2021

That's me pretty much done for the day now.

Managed to write 6 chapters today, including some emergency research on Facebook which means I've only got another 2 left to write tomorrow, then that's two totally new manuscripts done and dusted in five days and a grand total of 3 manuscripts that have taken longer than a day each to write so far in April.  I'm hoping I'll be able to knock another one out before the end of the month, then I'll give my poor muse a break for a while lol


I'm gonna quickly check my emails and Facebook, then head to bed for a well-deserved early night I reckon.


I'll be back at some point tomorrow.


Nite nite orl 💤

Taken all my daily pills, virus scan was clear and there was no news, sooo...

...I can spend the day writing and hopefully get the majority of it finished before bedtime tonight.  I've already written 2 chapters this morning, so I'm hoping for at least 4 or hopefully 5 by the time I head to bed tonight.


Steve's just given me a 10 minute warning for lunch, so time to put this laptop on the floor so that I can go and grab it then re-start writing as soon as I've taken the plates out to the kitchen.


Friday 23 April 2021

After I had finished uploading...

...todays news for all three sites, I decided to spend this afternoon and early evening studying again, 'cos it's been well over a month since I last studied and I'm glad I did 'cos I passed the end of course assessment first time, in under 5 minutes and I only got 4 questions wrong too, which was awesome!


I've just taken my last pill of the day, so it'll be kicking in soon and I can have a well-deserved early night.


We're having our hairs cut for the first time this year on Thursday, so I very much doubt there will be any news, but I'll hopefully manage to sneak in a bit more studying again.


As for tonight though, I'm gonna catch up with Facebook and my emails then head to bed I reckon, so I'll say nite nite orl to you now and I'll see you again tomorrow.

News on 23rd April 2021

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23rd April 2021

Building a friendship with the stress within

Chrissy Teigen Opened Up About Her Growing Friendship With Meghan Markle

Lonely pensioners who found friendship in lockdown phone club to meet in person

Ending a friendship can be painful but is sometimes necessary

George W. Bush Says His Friendship With Michelle Obama Mostly Consists of Cracking Jokes

Chrissy Teigen has just shared how she and Meghan Markle became friends

With MS, Social Isolation Was My Norm Before the COVID-19 Pandemic - Amanda's comment: I've been saying this for me for the last year - the country have got a glimpse of what so many with health diagnoses have been going through for decades and the country has had a tiny glimpse of our every day lives and realising how hard it is for us! I bet that we'll be forgotten about when this is finally over and done with though! Same as always!

"You're right, I'm sorry"

As of now I'm gonna go back to my previous default of being to blame for everything.  If I express an opionion on something that the other person doesn't agree with then it'll be "you're right, I'm sorry".  On the very rare occasions I ask someone to do something and they deny that I did, even if I have proof, it'll be "you're right, I'm sorry".  If someone has asked me to do something then changes their mind when they see the result, that'll be "you're right, I'm sorry" too.


Basically I'll be submitting to everyone elses wants and opinions again, after spending the last decade trying to discover who I am after my father's death.  I'll do whatever the other person wants to do even if I don't want to.


I'll take the blame for everything and give everyone else credit, even if they've done buggar all to deserve it.


35 hours of care a week my arse!

It's Friday today yeah?  


You have to care for someone for 35 hours a week to get carers allowance which Steve reckon's he's entitled to for caring for me since 1999.  


I've kept a record of just how much care we have actually provided for each other so far this week and Steve has actually done 4 things for both of us so far this week that have lasted a grand total of 1 hour and 25 minutes so far, (poured a cafetierre of coffee into our mugs twice, bagged up our groceries and cooked one meal).  That means he's gotta spend 11½ hours a day, every day, between now and Sunday caring for me to just about sneak though, which ain't gonna happen so I'll record it next week too, so that I can average it out.

I've also recorded the care I've provided for Steve (even though I'm NOT registered as his carer and never have been) so far this week and that adds up to almost 4½ hours this week and the vast majority of that has been for Steve alone (listening to his rants, motivating him, making him drinks and meals etc) rather than both of us.  


In terms of the number of times we care for each other (rather than the amount of time) I've already cared for Steve the same number of times in the 3 hours I've been downstairs than he has in the last 5 days all rolled into one.

But apparently I'm not his carer, yet he's mine 😠

Thursday 22 April 2021

Quick update on the medical appointment

Just had a call from my GP surgery and apparently the appointment with the MH nurse that I was due to have tomorrow has had to be rearranged for the end of May because the poor nurse is off sick so won't be able to do it, poor love, and the appointment I've now got is the soonest they could do it, but maybe that's a blessing in disguise from my Deities?  That the initial anger that I've been having for the last two mornings really is just a side effect from the doseage reduction and that I'll be back to my usual self when my body has readjusted to the lower dose? Either way, I hope the MH nurse recovers soon and that it's nothing serious!

Pills taken, drawers sorted, kitchen tidied, virus scan completed... now it's time for the news.


I've got an appointment with a MH nurse tomorrow, to see how I'm doing with the reduction of my AP.  I'm significantly angrier already, but Steve reckons that happened the last time I reduced the dose too, so maybe that's just how my body reacts for a while?  I'll try and remember to mention it when I talk to her on the phone tomorrow... you watch me forget though!  lol


My plastic drawers that I keep my stuff in are significantly less cluttered and the drawers are easier to pull out and push back in now, so I've just gotta keep on top of it now.  I did what I could in the kitchen, but that's Steve's domain so he's just gotta keep on top of the kitchen and his two tables, while I do both bedrooms, my quarter of the living room, the hall, stairs and bathroom.

Time to get on with the news now though, so that my body can recover for a while, then it'll be time for my daily exercise.

Wednesday 21 April 2021

Busy morning, this morning

  • Set the weekly virus scan running 
  • Took my pills
  • Had breakfast
  • Did the three sets of news
  • Freegle'd a mixer that was found by the enabler yesterday
  • Freegle'd the blood pressure monitor that was also found by the enabler yesterday
  • Did my exercises
  • Started the backups (which have just finished), sooo...

...gonna put my external hard drive away then have my lunch then hopefully plan out another book.  Not planning on doing anything else this afternoon, just planning out the manuscript then having an early night.


News for 21st April 2021

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21st April 2021

Study suggests tyrannosaurs were social animals

‘Mr Bruce’ remembered: An indelible first impression led to a lifelong friendship

Doggo meets dolphin, extends paw of friendship and leaves netizens gushing

A Lao student's views on Sino-Laos friendship

Tuesday 20 April 2021

Just so that it's on the record... is 6.45am on Tuesday 20th April 2021 and Steve's just agreed to updating the writing software he made for me.  He's agreed to make it easier to update the programme when I update the data without needing to reinstall it each time.  He's agreed that he's not going to touch the free version and that it'll still be a programme that can be used without an internet connection "even though it's better to have web apps nowadays, rather than desktop software" (to quote Steve at 6.37am today).


He's agreed to do it and that I won't pay for it.


Let's see how long it takes him this time and how many times he says he didn't agree to it when he just has.

Monday 19 April 2021

Early doors x2 today!

I was due to have a medical appointment on the phone at 10.50, but that was over and done with before 10am, which was awesome, then our groceries were due between 2pm and 3pm but they were sorted by 12.30pm too.  Means I can fiddle with next weeks groceries and do the last set of news, then spend the rest of the afternoon and evening writing the book I planned out yesterday!


News and a comment on 19th April 2021

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19th April 2021

How to Improve the Reach of your Social Media Posts

‘Lockdown may impact children’s social skills’

Social Status calculator shows what “class” you would have been in Shakespeare’s Time

It’s time to be friends again. But can you remember how?

Nikki Grahame: Scots anorexia patient tells of her 20-year friendship with the Big Brother star

People Are Sharing Non-Obvious Red Flags In Friendships And It's Super Useful - Amanda's comment: One friend in particular covers 8 out of the 10 of these, then acts surprised at my mini melt-downs on Facebook!

Just for this week, I'm gonna...

...keep a record of the care I provide for Steve and he provides for me, so that we have an accurate record of who really is the carer of who.


So far today, in the hour and 10 minutes I've been logging it, I've cared for Steve for 28 minutes and he's done buggar all as my carer.  To get carers allowance you have to care for someone for at least 35 hours a week which is 5 hours a day, 7 days a week.  The reality is that I'm lucky to get the 5 hours a month, rather than a day, but I reckon I do that for Steve, just about, yet he's seen as my carer instead of the other way around!


I've taken my pills, kicked off the virus scan and come up with the spreadsheet.  Gonna go and do my exercises and make our breakfast now, then get ready for the medical appointment on the phone later on this morning.


Sunday 18 April 2021

"Give it a try"


Drawers sorted, rubbish and recycling gone out, bird feeder refilled...

...pills taken and box refilled, "posh" co'ffee made and am currently drinking because we managed all that before 8am today!

The bedroom is now, officially sorted.  There's literally no more room for bin bags until the awesome enabler takes this week's ones on Tuesday, then I can take my warmer clothes out of the bags in the wardrobe and put them into the drawers I cleared this morning.  I'm gonna give myself the morning off tomorrow and just do a bit of polishing instead of clearing then re-start on the spare room on Wednesday morning.  The vast majority of stuff in there is Steve's stuff now, so I'm just gonna bag it up and bring it down (assuming it's not too heavy, like yesterday's bag of his stuff and one of this mornings bags of junk) and refuse to take it back up.  


He's already filled a corner of the bedroom with his stuff and I can't get rid of it because it's too heavy and awkward for me to safely bring downstairs.  His records and ancient hi-fi will also go in the corner but as far as I'm concerned everything else can be binned.  I've spent a couple of weeks sorting out both of the bedrooms, but he can't even be arsed to sort out a quarter of a bag of his stuff that I brought down yesterday.  His totally empty table was full of crap again within literally a couple of hours of the cleaners going but I bet I'll get the blame for it.  Same as always.

I've had enough of it now.  As far as I'm concerned everything can be binned 'cos he hasn't been upstairs for over a decade so won't know what I'm binning if I don't tell him 😜

Time to get on with the three sets of news now then start on my exercises.

Saturday 17 April 2021

Lunch today was...

...bread and spread.

Made by me.


My carer has done buggar all to deserve that title, so starting on Monday I'll be making a note of every minute we spend caring for each other.  To get carers allowance he has to provide care for 35 hours a week but I'm lucky to get that in 6 weeks, rather than 1!!!

News for 17th April 2021

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17th April 2021

‘Five things I’ve learned about friendship during the pandemic’ says best-selling author Phoebe Morgan

Five easy ways to boost friendship in your 60s and 70s

Forging friendship through volunteerism

Little boy’s touching friendship with a group of Horsham binmen

Taken my pills, had my breakfast, completed the virus scan...

...first two Freegle things of the day gone and I've got a touch of news for you all, which I'll put up after I've published this.


My breakfast wasn't toast for a change, it was the leftover cheese and onion rolls from yesterday's lunch lol


Mitzi's toys are due to go this morning too, then it's just the tinsel to go and that's it then!  Need to remember to do my exercise this morning too, so that I don't forget.  Gonna wait until Mitzi's toys have gone first though.


Time to put the news up on my homepage and this blog now, so that I don't forget.



Friday 16 April 2021

No news again today, but today's lunch is...

...gonna send my calories through the roof (as in over 8,000 if I have 'em all - yep, totally serious), so I'm gonna have 10 of 'em which'll take my calories up to a better 6,000 then have the other 15 for lunch tomorrow after just a couple of slices of toast for breakfast lol


Need to remember to charge up my Fitbit while I'm having me lunch then I can lig around on Facebook this afternoon 'cos studying is gonna be a no-hoper while I'm on the Zyprexa 👎

Mornin' all

I'm not medically qualified, but I reckon it was the AD that was making me suicidal and the Zyprexa zapping my motivation 'cos I haven't been even remotely suicidal since coming off the AD, even after we lost Mitzi, which would have pushed me over the edge usually.  I took the Zyprexa for the first time in years last night and I had the most disturbed night since my Fitbit was bought back at the end of 2019 and I seriously struggled to get out of bed for the best part of half an hour, yet yesterday morning and pretty much every morning before that, I woke up and got up as soon as I was awake and had the motivation to tackle the next bit that I needed to tidy up in the bedroom.  Literally the only thing that changed was taking the Zyprexa, but it took over two hours to achieve what I achieved in about 45 minutes yesterday.

We've only just had our breakfast, the best part of 3 hours later than yesterday and I can't be arsed to do anything this morning, but I had endless motivation 2 days ago!  Cheaper was definitely better for me with the AP and it's cheaper for the NHS too.

This morning's virus scan was clear again so I've just gotta summon up the motivation to get the news sorted and do my exercises now.

Thursday 15 April 2021

Yummy lunch today

Just a simple meal of vegan sausage rolls, fries and waaay too many peas but simple is often best, I reckon.  Like with jacket tatties, cheese and beans - simple to do but yummy and very filling!


Just one more set of news to do then I can hopefully have an early night... gotta take my Calcium before I forget though!


OK, that's the Calcium taken and my belly is kinda going "OK, no more or you'll regret it" so I ain't even gonna drink for a little while now.  Time for the news.


Late start this morning!

Mornin' all.


Had a very late start this morning 'cos according to my FitBit app I was asleep until 6.59am then I spent the best part of half an hour sorting out more rubbish, then came down, took my morning pills, Steve finished off the toastie bread 'cos I couldn't reach the next loaf for my own toast, so Steve had toast and I had bread and butter, started the virus scan and it's already almost 9am!  Gonna make a start on the news now, then see how the day pans out after that.


Found a packet of printed photo's of the puppy dog while I was clearing out the drawer, so I'm gonna see if I can find anywhere online to get her better photos printed too, so that I'll always be able to look at them and cry.

The person from Freegle who wanted the tinsel has been busy and forgot about it, which is fair enough, but hopefully that'll be going in the next few days, then it's just the wheelchair bag to go.

Tomorrow morning I'll be clearing the table in the spare room before I come down to start my day and I'll hopefully be able to Freegle Mitzi's toys before the end of the weekend, then it's Steve's camera bags and stuff then the set of plastic drawers and hopefully I'll be able to start work on Steve's stuff in the spare room then.

Gonna go out and do my exercises now though, before I forget again.

Wednesday 14 April 2021

I've decided...

...that from now on, everything will be for Steve.  Every last penny I'm left with at the end of each month will be saved up and moved over to Steve to get what he wants with.  I'll still keep paying for the electricity and groceries, but I'll gradually start eating and drinking less and less so that there's more available for Steve.  I'll make breakfast for him and won't be hungry each morning, so will say that I've eaten my toast while I was waiting for his, but in reality I've eaten bugger all.


I'll start drinking less pop so that I don't need to order as many bottles each week and start having a spare bottle each week that Steve can have (I'll have to find out which is his favourite so that that's the one that's left each week) then increase it to two spares a week so that I can take them off and let Steve have an extra couple of bottles.


Then I'll start missing lunches, because I've had too much for breakfast so that Steve can start getting more sausages and beef burgers a couple of times a month.  Then I'll start just having soup and spreaded bread, then just the bread, then just the soup, then just the squash, then just water and Steve will have mostly meaty stuff on each week's shop so that it doesn't go to waste during the hot weather.


I'll still be eating, just bread and butter and soup and toast and stuff like that.  I haven't got an eating disorder 'cos I know I need to put on weight, but because the soya spread is so high calorie and I can't have ordinary butter, I can honestly get all the calories I need from literally just four slices of bread and spread a day 'cos that's about 2,500 calories so I'll be getting enough calories to live on, but Steve will have almost £40 to spend on the groceries each week instead of his current £30 and if I gradually increase that extra tenner in really slowly then he won't notice what's happening 'cos he doesn't give a shit about me.

Hopefully by the end of the year I'll be back to the person I was when Steve first met me and my father was alive.  I'll start off by taking the blame for everything that goes wrong and work it all in at a snail's pace so that no-one gets suspicious.  I'd slowly started to regain my confidence and maybe stand up for myself a bit, but I was wrong - I bend to everyone elses will and become a shadow that is only useful when someone wants something.

The virus scan has finished and I'm still free of nasties, the backups have finished first time this week (yay!) and I've successfully created a couple of restore points "just in case I need them".

I did my exercises surprisingly easily this morning too, which was reassuring.  My left knee played me up almost straight away but I'm used to that now and it stops hurting after a couple of hours, so that's OK.

I had a look at yesterday's FitBit stats and for the second week on the trot I was less than 100 steps away from my daily target, annoyingly.

Had me breakfast, taken me pills, started the weekly virus scan and thanks to Steve...

...reminding me, I didn't open my email programmes, so didn't need to restart my laptop this morning.;

Still waiting for the Freegle stuff to be picked up after 10 days.  Not happy about that.

Managed to clear out another half a bag of junk that was next to the bed this morning and I'm hoping to do one section a day so that it's not overwhelming.  Bedside cabinet tomorrow morning so that I can keep my magasines in the hole instead of on the floor.  Friday will be the table then I'll give myself the weekend off and start again on Monday when I'll tackle Mitzi's untouched toys and Steve's stuff.  The enabler will be coming again on Tuesday and I wanna have made a dent in the stuff by then so that she can see that one of us is making an effort to tidy up, instead of just creating more piles of stuff.  This will be the last time I do it though.  I'm tidying up the two bedrooms and my quarter of the living room and the bathroom, but Steve's gonna be in charge of the kitchen and his three quarters of the living room from now on.

We agreed yesterday evening that when we'd finally got on top of the last few bits, we would spend Saturday tidying up, Sunday putting the rubbish and recycling out and Monday we will bring the rubbish and recycling bags and boxes in and put our groceries away, then have Tuesday to Friday off, just keeping on top of things as they occur.  Bet he's forgotten that or will deny it if I mention it today though, same as always.

It made me and Steve chuckle, sooo...

Fresh out of business school, the young man answered a want ad for an accountant. Now he was being interviewed by a very nervous man who ran a small business that he had started himself.  "I need someone with an accounting degree," the man said. "But mainly, I'm looking for someone to do my worrying for me."

"Excuse me?" the accountant said.

"I worry about a lot of things," the man said. "But I don't want to have to worry about money. Your job will be to take all the money worries off my back."

"I see," the accountant said. "And how much does the job pay?"

"I'll start you at eighty thousand."

"Eighty thousand dollars!" the accountant exclaimed. "How can such a small business afford a sum like that?"

"That," the owner said, "is your first worry."

Tuesday 13 April 2021

Greedy pig

I've had two lots of breakfast (5 doughnuts and 4 slices of toast) as well as two hot drinks, taken my pills, completed the virus scan and sorted out ⅔ of todays news, while still waiting for the flippin Freegle people who were due to pick their things up over a week ago.


We're having veggie burgers and onion rings for lunch, then the enabler will hopefully be impressed with my efforts in the spare room when she comes this afternoon.  Steve's already made a mess of the kitchen and opened up his box of dressings, despite there already being four drawers full of the bleedin' things that I spent a lot of time, effort and energy on sorting out.  I've had enough now... they are Steve's dressings so he's responsible for them from now on.


As soon as the bags of rubbish (and hopefully the broken quad cane) have gone, it's pretty much entirely Steve's stuff in the spare room then that I'll be putting into black bags and letting Steve sort that out too.  I'm fed up of doing the tidying up, Steve taking the credit for it then messing it all up usually within hours.  I'm gonna sort out the spare room then only keep my stuff tidy from then on.


Gonna go and exercise out my frustration now.

Monday 12 April 2021

Since this morning, I've...

...written the synopsis, had the medical appointment (Steve was right, I was wrong), completed the daily virus scan, had my lunch, brought the groceries in and I've been waiting for the Freegle things to go. 


The enabler is coming tomorrow afternoon to have a look at what I've achieved in the spare room so far and taking the junk I've sorted out with her... as well as my broken quad cane with any luck.

Time for my last two pills of the day now, then time for bed.  This is prolly gonna be my last blog post of the day, so I'll say nite nite to you all now, publish this post and close the browser.

Brought the recycling in, sorted out the Fitbit stuff, weighed myself, took my pills...

...and now I've gotta do the synopsis before I forget again.


Gonna have another call from the pharmacist, the enabler is due at 11am (but I'd prefer it if she came last thing so that we're not interrupted by the pharmacist) and our groceries are due between 2pm and 3pm today, so it's all go today!

Sunday 11 April 2021

Finished the manuscript, took my pills, checked my emails...

...dropped a pretty large chunk of a celebratory choccie biccie and I'm off to beddy byes now.


It's gonna be a busy day tomorrow - another call from the pharmacist at my GP surgery at some point in the morning, the enabler coming to check on my progress in the spare room and hopefully take the bags of rubbish I've cleared out so far, then our groceries are being delivered then hopefully that's it for the day.  I think I need an early night tonight in preparation for all the activity tomorrow, so I'm gonna say nite nite to you all now and I'll see you at some point tomorrow.

I've finished the manuscript now, so I haven't got a clue how I'm gonna fill my days now lol  Might start studying again or try to come up with a plan for my next novel, now that I no longer have a WIP!

No news on my writing site today, sooo...

...I'm gonna leave the other two, just for today, and start writing instead.  It'll mean I'll hopefully finish a couple of hours earlier than I did yesterday so that I can come out of my writing headspace and let my muse have the rest of the day off.  They've been working really hard so I'm gonna be kind to them today I reckon.

Already achieved a...

...pretty reasonable amount this morning:

  1. taken all my daily pills
  2. refilled my pill organiser 
  3. set the daily virus scan going
  4. taken the recycling out
  5. taken the rubbish out
  6. checked my email and the forum
  7. made a drink for both of us
I'm about to get started on the three sets of news, then I'll spend the rest of the day writing and hopefully finish the manuscript before 7pm, so that I can have my reward before I head to bed.
We're having egg and chips for lunch, apparently, which'll take considerably less time to cook and eat than yesterday's lunch, so I can, in theory, finish off the chapter, send Steve into the kitchen to cook it, then by the time I've put me laptop on the floor and the laptop stand in the space, lunch will hopefully be sorted, we can eat, then I can finish off the writing and breathe a huge sigh of relief that I've finished it in only 9 days.

Today is gonna be a good day.  I've decided.  😁

Saturday 10 April 2021

Late start to the morning, but so far today...

Pills taken, breakfast eaten, virus scan completed, one set of news done, time for the rest of the news then hopefully get stuck into todays five chapters 🤞 written by the time I head to bed tonight.  Gonna go and do my exercises now before I forget again.

Friday 9 April 2021

Feeling pretty proud of myself right now

After a slooooow start and wondering if I'd even get 3 chapters written today, I've managed another 5 today, on top of having about ¾ of an hour off for a particularly yummy lunch today.  I'm gonna take my evening pills now though and head to bed in hopeful preparation for an early-ish start tomorrow.


Nite nite orl.


Not too bad at all!

It's 11am and I've taken my pills, had my breakfast, started the virus scan, emailed my doctors surgery about when my new dose of the AP starts, advertised the wrapping paper on Freegle and someone is hopefully coming for something else today, so I'm already able to start writing today - just got 3 chapters to go and I'm at the half way point after only 6 days... hoping to write another 5 chapters today, so please keep your fingers crossed 🤞 for me that I achieve it again.


Thursday 8 April 2021


I completed all the news, caught up with my emails and Facebook and managed to kick out a huge 5 chapters today too, which means that I only need to write 3 more tomorrow and I'll be half way through it in under a week!  I can so do this!  I can't remember if I've signed up to do Camp NaNo this year or not, but if I have it'll have been with this novel and I didn't even start it until Camp had been running for 3 full days lol 

One down, two to go

Mornin' all.


I've already done one set of news, so just gotta do two more then the rest of the day is mine.  


My prescription arrived first thing and as a result of yesterday's medical appointment, I've gotta reduce the FA down to twice a week instead of three times now, so no more for the rest of this week then it'll be Tuesdays and Thursdays from then on.  I wanna try and wean myself off it 'cos I'm already taking it in two of my daily supplements, so it would save the NHS a small amount each month if I was able to come off it entirely.  As of yesterday I'm reducing the AP by a third a day too, I've just got the extra third there just in case it's too little for me, but when I'm confident about the lower dose for that too then that will save the NHS a bit more money each month.  I realise that it won't be millions a month, but if everyone saves the NHS a few quid a month then it soon adds up❗


I've taken all my daily pills and had my breakfast, as well as two hot drinks.  The daily virus scan was clear so I've gotta do my exercise before I forget, then it's time to get on with the next set of news.


Wednesday 7 April 2021

Tuesday 6 April 2021

Not really achieved much since I had me lunch

Since having my lunch, literally all I've done is lig around on Facebook and put the FitBit weekly email report up on my site.  No studying and no writing (yet) 'cos I'm waiting for a couple of Freegle things to go - one was supposed to go 🕝 at 2.30pm and the other at 🕓 4pm.  The one that's late isn't too bad 'cos it's only small, but if the 4pm one doesn't turn up then I won't be happy❗  They've got 15 minutes before I start writing and they won't be getting brownie points from me.

Not as productive this morning, but...

...that's only because there wasn't any news to keep me busy.


I've had me breakfast (my daily two slices of toast), run my daily virus scan, taken my pills, had a mid-morning snack, paid two invoices, and caught up with my emails.  Time to do me exercises for the first time this week now, then it'll almost be lunchtime then one of the Freegle things is being picked up after lunch.

My hayfever is now in full flow, so that's it until about September, I'll get two weeks off then the cold season will start again 😞

Time to get on with my exercises for the first time this week, so that I don't forget again.  Wanna get on with my writing again this afternoon - I'm aiming to write at least two chapters a day... might sneak in a small amount of studying if there's time between finishing my exercises and having our lunch too.


Monday 5 April 2021

Pretty good day so far today

The hayfever season officially started for me at 8pm 🕗 last night so my nose and eyes were streaming and I had no choice but to breathe through my mouth again.  I woke up gasping for air several times because I couldn't breathe and according to the FitBit app I was restless 20 times, but still somehow managed 9 hours and 11 minutes of sleep!

I had toast and a mug of PG Tips for breakfast, just after taking my morning pills and setting the virus scan going and while doing the news for each site (even though there was only news on my writing site in the end), then the groceries arrived, had lunch (5 doughnuts 🙄 🤣), took my Monday lunchtime pill, studied the first module of my next course and now I'm gonna spend the rest of the afternoon and evening writing another couple of chapters of my WIP.

Sunday 4 April 2021

Achieved more than I thought I would already this morning!

I've studied a course, caught up with my emails and taken the rubbish and recycling out since my last blog post, which means I can spend all afternoon (after I've had me lunch 🍴) writing now, which is awesome.... wanna totally drain my laptop battery 🔋 first though, so that it doesn't die on me half way through a paragraph that I've forgotten to save.

Busy morning today!

Got a lot going on this morning - I've had my second caffeinated drink of the week to wake me up, taken my pills, sorted ⅔ of the news already, finished the daily virus scan (still clear, thankfully), got someone coming to pick up our smoothie machine (that I brought down from the spare room yesterday) at 9am and I've unplugged my laptop for it's monthly discharge of the battery... scratch that, the smoothie machine has just gone so it's just the news and my exercises to do now.

If you're in the UK, maybe you've seen those adverts about spotting a stroke?  I've got a headache just where the fire starts on that head, but my face, arms and speech are fine, so it's not a stroke for me, just a weird headache that's moving over to my right hand side temple and right eye now, so might break out a paracetamol so that I can get it stopped in it's tracks.

I wanna write at least another two (or hopefully more) chapters of my novel that I started yesterday and if I manage to speed through the last third of the news, I'm hoping to make a start on my WIP again and then reward myself with lunch.  Gotta keep an eye on the battery level though and very regularly save it so that I don't lose too much work when the battery dies on me.  It says there's 5 hours and 17 minutes left, which works out at about 2.15pm so I'll leave it running while I'm eating my lunch, then plug it back in after I've taken our plates out to the kitchen.

News for 4th April 2021

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4th April 2021

Column: Turning the Corner – The Benefits of Friendship

Area Girl Scouts see ‘Friendship Rocks’ party as a way to attract new members

When Keanu Reeves refused to insult Winona Ryder on 'Dracula' set

Saturday 3 April 2021