I'm absolutely wiped out so I've taken my last two pills of the year and I'm heading off to bed nice and early tonight.
Nite nite orl. See you next year!
Tomorrow (Sunday) - lunch with my in-laws
Monday - rubbish and recycling out and funeral arrangements with my in-laws and books/magasines going to a Freegler
Tuesday - bring rubbish and recycling back in and first meeting with social worker
Wednesday - sort out and bag up Steve's medical things
Thursday - relax and recover for as long as it takes
...I feel like I've achieved so much in the last 6 days and having my to-do lists here on my blog have really helped me sooo much. They've helped me to organise myself and cope with everything that I need to do which has helped me to cope with being a young widow and my neurological disability as well as my huge memory problems.
Tomorrow to Tuesday are gonna be weird 'cos I'll be with at least one other person for at least part of the day so I prolly won't achieve much before Wednesday, but that's OK 'cos I've only got one big thing to do now and that is sorting out all of Steve's prescribed stuff, so I'll do that on Wednesday and just veg out and recover as much as possible until then. I wanna put Steve's crisps onto Olio and put my biccies into the biscuit tin that I can now use and just generally sorting out the mess in the kitchen next. The biggest job is pretty much done now, so I'm just gonna do little bits whenever I feel up to it now. I'm not gonna push myself until my body has recovered from what I've been putting it through for the last nearly 4 weeks, so I'm gonna be treating my body a lot better until I've started to feel like I'm ready to tackle the next major job in the kitchen. Little and often is gonna be the way to tackle the kitchen I reckon. There aren't major tasks to do like there was in here, so I'll just do a counter or cupboard or whatever each day and take things a lot slower in there so that I don't totally screw myself up.
Andrew has asked for Steve's record collection which I've found along with waaay too many CDs that he might want along with an ancient hi-fi with a double audio cassette deck that he might want too, which would clear up more room for tidying up in the spare room... that will be my next major job so I'm gonna tackle the kitchen and bathroom first so that the downstairs is in decent shape before I attempt either of the bedrooms.
Next year will be my first full year as a young widow and it'll be a year with lots of firsts, but hopefully I'll have a decent support network in place soon so I'll be able to lean on them while all my friends continue to lean on me, even while I'm grieving such a major loss.
I've just cooked my second ever meal totally alone and this one won't cause food poisoning!!!
T'was a bit burnt but not as bad as it could have been at all.
It was only a frozen pizza again but I did it totally alone for the first time in my life. I'm soooo proud of myself now! The confidence that was non-existent an hour ago is now almost back to where it was at the start of December and I achieved it without anybody else in the house for reassurance! What a way to finish off the year!
Here's today's lunch photo:
Time to go and make a fool of myself in the kitchen again now <gulp> lol
I've just, officially, finished clearing up the floor and filled a second black bag full of rubbish. Literally all that is left is one more table, a footstool and paperwork. I found 3 forks, a knife, 2 spoons and a plate with food that was so old it was literally welded to the plate. I also found mince pies that had a use by date of January this year, so they've been on the floor for a year too.
I'm gonna spend the next little while recovering but I officially cross one thing off my to-do list and not have to add it again tomorrow now. I'm not gonna do anything else today other than sit on the sofa and make myself drinks, while I recover.
I think it calls for an early morning, celebratory, J2O that I've finally been able to get it finished. I'm sooo proud of myself now!
Just as a temporary change from the norm, I decided to have a bowl of Bran Flakes and my usual bottle of orange juice for my breakfast this morning. I don't think my internals like Bran Flakes 'cos after I swallowed the first mouthful, my belly started to cause me pain and I've been burping like a good 'un ever since, so I don't think I'll be getting them again, but 'waste not want not' and all that jazz.
Here's my last breakfast photo of the year:
I've had a pretty productive morning so far 'cos I've had a bath, got dressed, started the daily virus scan, taken my morning pills, promised Steve's table to someone on Freegle, put some washing up away, made and eaten my breakfast, took the bowl back through to the kitchen and now I'm charging up my FitBit.
Today is gonna be my last alone day until Wednesday 'cos I'm going over to my in-laws for Sunday lunch tomorrow, Monday I'm going back over there for more preparations for the funeral, Tuesday is bins, groceries and the first visit by my new social worker then Wednesday I can hopefully recover.
The virus scan has finished and I'm reassuringly still free from nasties, which is reassuring.
Not sure what to have for lunch today... I might bite the bullet and attempt to cook another pizza, but I'll totally ignore the cooking instructions this time and put it in at 200 (or was it 220?) for 20 minutes like Steve told me to do while he was in hospital lol
Time to start my to-do list for today, then put my breakfast photo up before I make myself a drink. I'm thinking that I'll have my second caffeinated coffee of the week and hope that my bladder has recovered by the time I'm picked up tomorrow lol
I've put stuff away and done the washing up so that's me finished for the day now.
My knees are killing me and my legs won't hold me upright for much longer, so I'm just gonna kick back and veg out with the radio on for the next couple of hours, then I'll take my last two pills of the day and have a very well-deserved early night.
I've achieved a lot in the last 7 days so I think I deserve a bit of time to relax and recover, so that's exactly what I'm gonna do until tomorrow morning now.
...do the washing up and putting away now, then veg out for the rest of the afternoon and evening 'cos I've been almost constantly on the go for the last 3 weeks and my body is begging for a rest, so that's what I'm gonna give it.
Just had a very late lunch of the last of the leftovers from Christmas Day and I'm totally stuffed now... definitely should have stopped at the halfway point and saved the rest of it for tomorrow lol.
Here's today's late lunch photo:
I didn't get as much done as I'd hoped, purely because I couldn't easily collapse the table and I've completely filled the first black bag now, but I still feel like I've achieved enough, so I'm gonna recover for a while, then make a start on sorting out Steve's dressings that can go back to the pharmacy. There is a huge amount so I'm thinking that they'll have to make a special trip just for picking up the dressings, but I'm not worrying about that yet. I'll make a start on it this afternoon and not worry about it until then.
Just my usual breakfast of 2 slices of toast with dairy-free spread and a bottle of orange juice. There's enough bread for breakfast tomorrow, then I'll be back onto the cereal again. I've got a package of vegan ham to use up too, so I'll be having that along with the leftovers for lunch today, so that it doesn't go to waste.
Here's today's breakfast photo:
I've definitely got a cold in my pipes 'cos I've been sneezing all morning so I'm gonna be having hot honey and lemon drinks all day today.
I've hopefully got someone coming over for Steve's sausages this morning, then I'm gonna do a bit more tidying up in here. I'm not gonna overwhelm myself and attempt to do it all at once, now that I know how huge the job is... I'm just gonna do a bit each day and not feel guilty that it's not clear within an hour now.
I've taken my morning pills and I've just remembered that I need to set the virus scan going for my daily scan, so I've set that going now.
My nose is running like a good 'un this morning lol
I've totally pigged out today so I'm feeling very full now lol
Today's lunch was in two parts - more leftovers from Christmas Day and my final 2 savoury Graze punnets after that. I'm officially half way through the left-overs now and I'll be getting my next Graze box on Tuesday. I've got 3 pizzas to try and cook when I've finished the leftovers then I've got a fully stocked freezer to get through as well. I'm gonna do the entire bag of each of the frozen things and split it over 2-3 days.
Here's today's two lunch photos:
I've started clearing up Steve's rubbish under his first and I can now see the floor for the first time in at least a year 'cos I found last years very furry and smelly and leaking and all around gross mince pies so they went straight into the bin which is already half full. I've untangled the previous internet cable and discovered Steve's previous Kindle that he lost as well as a really small music player so I've rescued those and put them in the hall so that they don't accidentally get thrown out. Literally the only thing left on that table now is the remote controls, so I'm gonna spend a little while recovering then move them into the box that I've claimed for the small things, then collapse the table so that I can get behind it and claim a 50% victory.
I'm feeling pretty proud of what I've achieved in the last hour, so I'm gonna reward myself with another glass of water so that I can recover so that I don't end up on the floor. Dare I say it, but like with the spare room I started to enjoy it after I'd motivated myself to start. It's gonna take a good few more hours but after I've had my lunch and recovered, I'll start on the rest of it.
My aim for this afternoon is to get enough cleared to collapse up the first table and get the rubbish behind it sorted out and binned. I'm not even gonna think any farther ahead than that... little steps that are achievable are more motivating for me. I'll have to ask Marie to take this bag to the tip though, 'cos we're only allowed one rubbish bag in our sack each week otherwise it isn't emptied and it's already ¾ full so there won't be enough room left for the rest of Steve's rubbish, let alone the usual stuff.
Just my usual breakfast of 2 slices of toast and dairy free spread along with a bottle of orange juice. There's enough bread in the loaf for another two breakfasts, then I'll be finishing off the Bran Flakes and taking things from there. There is another 2kg of Steve's unopened cereal to get through, but I'm thinking I'll put them onto Olio because they are still sealed and will mean that there's more room in the cupboard for things that I want and can have.
Here's today's breakfast photo:
How are you all doing this morning?
I've already taken my morning pills and put 1.5kg of grapes and 5 bananas into the food waste and think I've worked out what a couple of the documents were about - the endowment and insurance on the mortgage or something like that, so I've emailed Marie with that thought and I'm really hoping that it's not too late now.
I'm gonna do a bit more tidying up today and use a stronger black bag so that it doesn't split as I take it through to the kitchen. First up though is to have my breakfast after I've come up with today's to-do list.
I've gotta remember to get a copy of Steve's death certificate off Marie so that I can hopefully claim for being a widow now which'll give me a bit more money each month in the short term.
I've also paid my domain for another year, so that's another thing off today's to-do list.
Gotta work out what I missed on yesterday's to-do list first though lol
Not only did today go considerably better than I was dreading but I actually feel useful now.
I've gotta phone up about cancelling the TV, downgrading our internet connection and changing it all into my name instead of Steve's.
Marie has already cancelled the TV license, so I've gotta work out which remote is for the TV and turn it off at the wall then contact someone about taking it all away. I'm sort of 97% sure that the TV is mine to keep 'cos we had it for so long before Steve cancelled the account but I just wanna be 100% sure is all.
The internet and phone line are now in my name and I've got it down from £150 a month to £37, just by cancelling the TV, downgrading the internet and changing the phone package so I'm feeling considerably better and more useful than I did an hour ago and it's done me the world of good to be able to do it so easily.
I think that calls for another celebratory J2O! I've definitely earnt it today!
And a drinking chocolate too... I've consumed over 3,000 calories today, according to my FitBit, so if I carry on like that I'll hopefully have put some weight on by the time I weigh myself again.
Today has definitely been a very good day for me and I feel like I've actually given and helped rather than just taking from my in-laws now.
Its taken a reboot to get my connection back but I did that alone too. I'm absolutely cream-crackered so I'm gonna have a well-deserved early night tonight then wake up tomorrow and make a start on the rubbish in front of the telly so that I can switch it off at the wall so that I'm not tempted to use it without a license.
I haven't put any rubbish or recycling out for the last two weeks and I've missed my chats with the waste collectors - just a couple of minutes and a few sentences really set me up for the day on a Monday and I've missed the last two weeks 'cos there has been so little to go out but there will definitely be rubbish next week 'cos I wanna be able to get to the plug to turn the telly off.
What shall I have for my tea tomorrow? I've got 3 days worth of vegan lunches to have as well as today's groceries, 5 bananas and three of last weeks four packs of yoghurts, so I won't go hungry lol I'm thinking I'll have toast, 2 bananas and 2 yoghurts for breakfast, then the other half of the vegan concoction my MIL made for me on Christmas Day, then I'll see how I feel later on and if I wanna have another 2 yoghurts or not.
I've just had the reminder come up for my evening pills and this blog post is already too long, so I'm gonna publish it, take my pills and head to bed I reckon.
I'm not planning on getting up before the birds tomorrow, which means I've just jinxed it and I'll be up at 3am again now lol
I've gotta take photos of Steve's sausages and put them on Olio tomorrow too... I think that's the last of Steve's food gone then, after his pizzas went this morning. I wanna have a day off and totally relax though - I think I deserve it after the last 3 weeks!
Just my usual breakfast of two slices of toast, dairy free spread and a bottle of orange juice. I've already met my minimum calorie count for today so anything I have for the rest of the day is a bonus that'll help me to put on weight.
Here's today's breakfast photo:
I've remembered not to open my emails and to start my monthly virus scan first time this morning without any reboots at all, so that's a relief. I'm currently taking my morning pills and I've got someone coming from Olio to pick up Steve's pizza's before 9am today, then the groceries are due, then I'll be spending the day with my in-laws again. I've just crunched up a 5-HTP and I can already feel it working its magic on my mood.
My FitBit has almost finished charging, so I'll go and make myself a couple of slices of toast and a banana with an orange juice when it's all juiced up.
I only managed 6 hours and 54 minutes of sleep so I'm gonna be knackered before I even leave the house, then I've gotta go through Steve's finances with his sister then I can come home and collapse into bed. It's gonna be a long and very emotional day today but I've gotta hold it together so that I can support Marie and my MIL.
I worked out this morning that if I lose someone around the New Year then there is literally no reason to celebrate at all for me at any point during the year 'cos I've got a loss at each celebration point except New Year now... I've gotta wear a mask and support others through that time though so I'm not even allowed to grieve around the celebrations.
...just solved my first ever technology issue, totally alone with no help from anyone human? Gaia was with me and it might sound strange, but I could feel and hear Steve too... I've definitely got the right extension lead 'cos it fits into both the holes (one on the router and one on my laptop) so I'm just waiting for the connection to die on me now. Could the heat from the heater have been causing the wireless problems 'cos the router did feel very warm when I plugged the extension cable in? I've turned the heater off now just in case but hopefully I haven't completely lost my internet connection now lol
I've had a pretty healthy lunch of the leftovers from my Christmas Day lunch and I'm now totally stuffed.
I only managed half of this and I couldn't eat any more, so I've still got 3 days worth of meals in the fridge as well as the ones coming with the groceries tomorrow lol I'll be eating well this week and the freezer is gonna be sooo well-stocked lol
Had a right pig-out for my breakfast this morning! I had two slices of toast with dairy-free spread, two dairy free mango yoghurts and a bottle of orange juice.
My calories are through the roof already today, thanks to the dairy-free spread, so I'm seriously hoping that I'll have put on a good amount of weight on Monday.
That early night was definitely needed 'cos I managed to get another 8 hours of sleep overnight.
I've just taken my morning pills and remembered to set the virus scan running. I've also taken a photo of Steve's pads that I'm gonna put onto Freegle then sort out his drawers so that I can send his dressings back to the pharmacy. Today is gonna be a sorting out the kitchen day I reckon.
Already drunk a litre of pop today and I'm gonna get myself some breakfast when I've sorted out the Freegle stuff and put my laptop on the floor.
Time to cross the first things off today's to-do list lol
I'm absolutely shattered after so many nights of under 6 hours of sleep in the last 3 weeks, so I'm sorting out my to-do list ready for tomorrow then taking my pills and heading to bed for a veeery early night.
A long list, but I'll hopefully be able to achieve it all so that I can have a clear head on Wednesday.
I hope I wake up nice and early on Wednesday so that I've got time to do the backups before Marie comes over to pick me up after the groceries have been delivered and put away. Gotta remember not to open my email programmes on Wednesday too otherwise the virus scan will take literally all day and night to finish scanning, which won't put me in a good mood.
I'd love to read a Kindle book or study tomorrow too but they are just additional things that it'd be nice to do if I can... it all depends on how I get on with the rest of my to-do list though lol
I've just finished off the pizza that my MIL cooked for me at the end of last week so I'm totally stuffed now and thankfully well over budget with my daily calories, so if I can keep having 2 slices of toast and dairy free spread each morning, then I'm hoping I'll have put on a pretty decent amount of weight ready for my next weigh-in in a week's time.
I've got a glass of water on the go and I'm gonna indulge in a mug of drinking chocolate when Steve's pizza's have been picked up today. His soups are going tomorrow, so there will hopefully be enough room in the fridge and freezer for Wednesday's groceries getting delivered. I've just gotta remember to put everything in at 200 degrees for 20 minutes and if it's something cheesy then the cheese needs to melt lol
Here's today's lunch photo:
I weighed myself this morning, like I do every morning and I'd lost another 150g so it's gonna be toast and dairy free spread for breakfast this week so that I can put weight back on ready for next week.
I had a pretty healthy and very big breakfast this morning of 2 slices of toast, the spread, bananas and orange juice. I've got a decaff coffee on the go now too.
I've got left-overs from Christmas Eve (veggie pizza) and Christmas Day (a healthy, home-made vegan thing that my MIL has made for the last couple of years for me), so I won't be going hungry today or tomorrow and I'm gonna overcome my fear of using the cooker head-on on Wednesday by attempting to cook another pizza. It'll be the first time I've used it in 3 weeks and I've gotta overcome my paranoia and actually check that it's hot before I cut it up this time lol
Here's today's breakfast photo:
I'm feeling a lot more with it this morning 'cos I didn't wake up until 5am and according to my FitBit, I managed to sleep for 8 hours and 6 minutes so hopefully I'm back on track with my sleeping now. This time of year is always weird 'cos there's so much to do, but I'm home alone until Wednesday now so hopefully I'll be able to get in another 8 hours tonight and tomorrow night too.
I've taken my morning pills, weighed myself (I've lost another 150g so I'll be having toast for breakfast every day this week so that I can rapidly increase my weight to a better number) and had breakfast. I've got someone coming to pick up Steve's pizzas today - they were really popular overnight 'cos 6 people wanted them lol His soups are still waiting to be requested, then I can start on the pickles and mustards and stuff. I'm gonna leave the pasta sauces for a while so that they are there for me when I feel brave, but I'm not gonna let them go to waste - if it's getting close to their date then I'll put them on Olio too. I'm just taking it incredibly slowly and carefully so that I can gradually build up confidence again.
I'm just glad that Freegle and Olio are available 'cos I can't afford to waste money now.
I'm not gonna put the rubbish or recycling out this week... there's no point just for such a small amount.
Just started my daily virus scan that I'd totally forgotten about doing until I started adding the labels to this blog post and spotted it lol
Time to put my breakfast photo up now I reckon.
I'm feeling slightly more cautiously hopeful this morning 'cos I've found a way to potentially stay here, just about scrape together enough for the bills and even start to cook things like chips and croquettes and waffles and things like that for myself. My first attempt at using the cooker will be another pizza 'cos I need to overcome that fear before I try anything else, but everything is going to go into the oven at 200℃ for 20 minutes and I'm not even gonna glance at the cooking times any more other than for new to me foods that I've never had before (like the frozen cheese and tomato pasta bake that's on the next order).
I've also hopefully found a way to get just about enough cash into my bank each month to be able to stay here at home as well as afford all the other bills that I'll have to move over to my name in the New Year.
It's all totally legal and I'll be living off my miniscule savings for a while, but things don't feel as bleak as they did last night now.
I'm spending the day with my in-laws so there won't be any other posts for several hours, but I hope you all enjoy your day as much as possible however you are spending it.
I'm filled with determination not to let the oven get the better of me after only one attempt so I've added another pizza, hash browns and potato croquettes to the order and I'm gonna pre-heat the oven for a lot longer when I cook them. Cooking will not beat me lol
I took my pills a lot earlier tonight but wanted to make the most of the determination, so I'm having a late night after all.
Nite nite orl. I'll see you at some point tomorrow.
There are 7 bottles of wine and I think it was 6 bottles of beer in the cupboard under the sink, so I'm gonna gradually get rid of those on Olio 'cos I can't have alcohol 'cos of my prescriptions. I'm gonna aim to totally sort out one section of the kitchen and eventually the whole house every couple of days 'cos there is too much stuff that isn't touched that it's pointless keeping it.
I've had enough of being too scared to cook alone so I've added things to the next grocery order that I've done myself a few times and I'm gonna do the whole bag of each thing and keep the left-overs ready for my lunch the next day. From now on, the oven is pre-heated to 200℃, I get the bag out of the freezer, open it up, entirely empty it onto a tray and bung it into the oven for 20 minutes. Other than the pasta bake (because that's totally new to me) I'm not gonna look at the cooking instructions at all, I'm gonna channel Steve as my guide while I gradually rebuild my confidence and I'm gonna test the heat before I take anything off the tray so that I can put it back into the oven if necessary.
Anything cheesy stays in until the cheese has pretty much entirely melted and the hash browns and potato croquettes will be cooked for 20 minutes.
I'm fed up of being reliant on cooking instructions that are nowhere near accurate so I'm gonna do like Steve did and bung it in at the same heat for the same amount of time, no matter what it is so that I can gradually rebuild the confidence that shattered earlier on in the week.
I just hope I start rebuilding my confidence before too long and that this determination sticks around.
I'm not going to put the rubbish or recycling out next week 'cos there's only a half-filled bin in here, 2 pop bottles in the recycling and a couple of cardboard cartons in the blue bag so it's pointless I reckon and it's one less thing for them to collect and less waste for the environment to deal with so I'm just gonna leave it be until there is more to go out, potentially after the New Year but there is obviously going to be very little waste from this house from now on, which can only be a good thing, right?
After seriously overdoing it at my in-laws yesterday, I figured I'd have a light lunch today, but I overestimated how hungry I was and I'm now groaning and stuffed up to my eyeballs. I've still gotta consume over 500 calories today though, and I honestly don't know how I'm gonna manage it 'cos I can't eat or drink anything else until my innards have digested what I've eaten in the last 36 hours! What with it being Christmas Day tomorrow, I'll prolly be stuffed by the time I get home again then too so it's a good job that I need to put on weight really, innit lol
Here's the photo of today's lunch:
I achieved pretty much everything I wanted and needed to do this morning:
My browser window has gone massive, so I'm gonna restart my browser then put my lunch photo up, then come up with my to-do list for this afternoon.
Managed to cross a few things off this morning's to-do list, which now looks like this:
I managed just under 8 hours of sleep last night and didn't sob myself to sleep for the first time in 12 days... the tears are rolling down my cheeks again now though.
Today is gonna be my first day totally alone 'cos Marie and her mum are doing something or other that I've already forgotten today so I'm gonna go and relax in a bath for a while today... my first one as a widow.
I'm gonna have another bowl of Steve's boring Bran Flakes this morning and I've gotta remember to get the orange juice as well, then lunch will be couple of slices of pizza and my Graze box. I'm gonna go and bring my nephew's Christmas gifts and Marie's birthday pressie down first though, so that I don't forget later on. I've gotta bag up Steve's wallet and paperwork ready for tomorrow too.
In a way, I'm glad Steve did so little for me in his last few months 'cos it prepared me for living alone and the two household emergencies were preparation from Gaia just to make sure that I could cope alone before Steve slipped away. It's been 3 days and I'm coping OK so far, so hopefully I'll continue to be able to cope alone now.
My daily virus scan has finished and was still clear, so I'm gonna:
Tomorrow is gonna be my first Christmas without a father figure or husband and I'm really not looking forward to it.
I've just remembered to set up the auto top-ups on my mobile again, so that'll hopefully start in January, assuming I've done everything right.
Marie is going to pick me up to hopefully get a caring package in place for me after I sent her my benefit renewal form last night, which'll be another thing off my mind, then I just need to get the bathroom sorted and work out how I'm gonna afford all the extra bills now.
Writing is gonna be a huuuuuuge reason to keep going now and I'll be able to write whenever I want to rather than working around everyone else now. I'll be leaning heavily on my friends for a while and if they need support, they will just have to find another source for a while 'cos that's gonna be the last thing I need on top of everything else.
I'm not gonna do JanNo this year... I'll write the novel some other time next year, but sorting out the funeral and making sure I've got a roof over my head, electricity and water is more vital to my survival.
I don't know how I'll cope without Steve now.
I keep forgetting to post my morning and evening posts lol
I've already taken my morning pills and shed bucket-loads of tears for Steve after putting the announcement on Facebook, but at least I've been able to keep my breakfast down this morning... so far anyway!
I'll put my breakfast photo up next and hope that the tears ease off soon otherwise I'll be chucking up in Marie's car and at their house, which won't be pleasant for anyone.
There was an "advanced issue" found on the virus scan, which is hopefully being resolved as I type this.
Time to put my breakfast photo up before I forget that too.
I'm now a young widow and I was inspired to have my first meal in this new role in memory of my late hubby.
He had a bowl of Bran Flakes for his breakfast each morning and there was still about a quarter of the box left, so rather than binning it, I thought I'd try it for the first time in my life and I can see why he was looking for a change at the end of this box lol
There will either be loads or very few blog posts over the next little while because I got the awful news we were all dreading at 6pm last night and the grief has finally set in. I've been crying since 8pm yesterday and awake since just gone midnight unable to stop my tears.
Please don't expect me to support you any time soon... just for a very rare change I'm the one who needs support for a while and for the first time in my life I'm not gonna feel guilty for asking for it.
...finished and been put away. I've just got back from the hospital and now I've gotta let the Olio bod know that I'm back so that he can have the milk. After he's collected it I'll have a late lunch of toast and dairy free spread which has been my only food for the last 10 days, other than a bowl of soup last week. Far from healthy, but so much better than nothing at all, so I'm fine with that.
How are you all doing?
I've already taken my morning pills and I wanna leave off the 5-HTP for as long as possible so that they don't run out while I'm at the hospital. I've only needed one a day so far, but I've never been in this situation before so don't wanna take any risks. Today is gonna be awful, but I wanna do it 'cos it might be my last chance.
I'm not gonna have any breakfast this morning 'cos of going to the hospital and getting travel sick and stuff.
I'm sorting out the news now, so that'll prolly be my next blog post.
I've started the weekly virus scan and I'm really not coping today.
Just my usual breakfast of two slices of toast and dairy-free spread again this morning. I've barely eaten for the last week 'cos of a family emergency last week, so eating has been the last thing I've wanted to do. Other than a bowl of soup and a couple of protein bars on Sunday, all I've eaten for the last week is 2 slices of toast a day.
Here's today's breakfast photo:
I've taken my morning pills and I've had enough of the day already even though it's only just begun. I think I'm gonna be heavily reliant on the 5-HTP today and I'm really feeling up to being online, so I apologise if I'm silent today, but I need to look after me for a rare change.
...there is either gonna be a flurry of blog posts for the next little while or very few at all 'cos I got some awful news at lunchtime that I wanna keep private for the time being so that I can work out what the next steps will be.
I'd be grateful for your understanding and patience as I go through this.
...today's to-do list, which now looks like this:
The rubbish and recycling has been and gone, so that's it now until lunchtime when I go and make myself another couple of slices of toast for lunch.
I've officially got through an entire week (and 2 hours lol) alone and I'm so proud of how well I've coped during those 7 days. I honestly didn't think I'd be able to do it on Monday and Tuesday, especially with the couple of household problems, but I've got through it with the help of Steve's family and the awesome paramedic looking after me until Marie got there a week ago. I was petrified this time a week ago, but I'm a lot more able to cope with whatever comes my way now. I'm still scared, but it's not overwhelming scaredness now like it was a week ago.
Have I already said in a previous blog post that the daily virus scan was still clear? If I did, then I apologise for repeating myself, but my memory only lasts for about 30 seconds then that's it lost pretty much forever.
Gonna sort out the news now, then sort out the FitBit page on my homepage ready for next year now that I'm not writing in January.
After barely eating last week I'm now underweight, so every meal I have for this week is gonna be bread/toast and dairy-free spread. After the pizza disaster on Tuesday I've totally lost the tiny sliver of confidence I had in using the oven and all that's left in our freezers are meat, chips, 3 loaves of bread and 5 frozen soups that Steve's mum made for me a month or 6 week's ago, but I keep forgetting to get one out of the freezer to defrost.
Today's breakfast was 2 slices of wholemeal bread and dairy-free spread and a decaffeinated coffee.
Here's today's breakfast photo:
Another start that's waay too early again, but I managed to get 8 hours and 1 minute of sleep and I do feel considerably better now. I've lost exactly 2kg in the last 7 days though, which means I'm now underweight, so every meal is gonna have to be bread/toast and spread so that I can get my weight back up this week. The first few days were almost calorie free through worry, but I've been living alone for 7 days now and managed to cope with two household emergencies, I've taken all my pills at the right time and I'm feeling slightly more confident now, so hopefully a week of purely high calorie foods will take my weight up to where I want it to be again in a week's time.
I've decided against doing JanNo 'cos my creativity has totally deserted me and my husband is more important than writing, so when he's home, I'll do it then, but I'll be missing JanNo23 for my own sanity.
I've got someone coming over for Steve's milk at lunchtime today, so it'll be an early lunch too. Gotta sort out the electricity and water and household appliances rental today too, so it's gonna be all go for me!
I'm gonna take my morning pills, go and make myself my first hot drink of the day now, then make myself a couple of slices of toast for my first meal of the day. I've gotta remember to bring the rubbish and recycling containers in when they're collected too. Other than the paper and cardboard and food waste, there's very little out there today!
I've taken my pills and arranged for someone to come and pick up Steve's milk just after lunch tomorrow and I've gotta wait for his prescription to turn up as well as eating hopefully 2 meals tomorrow and putting on weight with any luck.
I'm heading off to beddy-byes now to try and catch up on all the missed hours this week.
Nite nite orl.
This is the first time I've eaten all day because I didn't know when we'd be going to the hospital, but just this one meal has sent me just over my daily calorie limit and I'll be eating toast or bread and dairy free spread for the next few meals 'cos the bread is past it's best now and I accidentally completely ruined the tag so I'll be finishing off the bread over the next couple of days, which should just about take me to Christmas Day when I'll be totally stuffed full of veggies. I doubt there will be a photo - I just hope I remember everything I eat so that I can log it into my FitBit app when I get home lol
Here's today's very late lunch/very early tea photo:
...my mobile and I've eventually, after 3 weeks of trying, found the page to set up the automatic top-up again, so I'll try and remember to set that up next month.
I'm gonna go and grab my well-deserved reward then attempt to remember to do the news again... gotta love memory problems lol
...and recycling has gone out now so I can relax until lunchtime when I'll have bread and dairy-free spread then go and see Steve and then I can just veg out for the rest of the afternoon and evening. Wanna have another early night tonight as my new getting up time seems to be 4am instead of 5am for some reason now.
Time to stick the kettle on for my reward now... my first drinking chocolate of the week I think, but could be wrong of course.
My bath yesterday showed me that the lack of temperature is coming from the below freezing weather, rather than Steve using it all up, so I'll apologise for blaming him when I see him.
After I've got my drink, I'll crack on with the news for you all.
...the washing up, so I'll wait until it's a bit lighter out there, then I'll do the rubbish and recycling and have a celebratory drinking chocolate as a reward. Gonna make myself another coffee first though 'cos I'm absolutely parched again lol
How are you all doing?
I've had a pretty productive morning so far 'cos I've taken my morning pills (gotta remember to refill the dosette box at lunchtime), run the daily virus scan which was still clear and significantly tidied up Steve's two tables. I'm gonna phone the water and electricity bods on Monday to get the accounts moved over to me instead of Steve, so it's less for him to worry about. I already pay the electricity so that should be a pretty simple change of just the name and account number, so all Steve's gotta worry about then is his credit cards and the mortgage.
I pay for the house insurance and groceries and I can just about afford to pay the water too, but there won't be any more defaults on Steve's credit score then.
I've got a coffee on the go, then I'll do the washing up (found a plate, 4 mugs and 2 glasses while I was tidying up), take the rubbish and recycling out, then recover before I go and see Steve this afternoon.
Feeling pretty proud of myself right now and it's not even 7.30am yet!
I've just had a lavendar scented bubble bath and got changed, so I'm a coping considerably better now than I was an hour ago. The floor is also dry now, after this morning's mini household disaster, so I've plugged the air lock heater back in and turned it on so hopefully that'll help too. The kitchen floor was incredibly dirty though and you can easily see where the water and mop went to cos there are lines on the floor where I mopped up the water this morning lol The bathroom door is open, right next to the heater so the dampness in there will hopefully dry out soon too.
The only way that things can get worse is for there to be a fire now (pleaase don't let that happen Gaia... that really would be the final straw now!).
I'm going to see Steve tomorrow, but the last 6 days have made me realise not only how little he actually did to support me as my carer, but also how well I've coped alone too. There have been 2 issues in the house that I've dealt with alone and I've had a shower and a bath since he's been in there, which is usually more than I manage in 3 months (my last bath or shower was back in October when I got my Covid booster and we're now in December and I've washed myself (and my hair once) and got changed twice in the last 6 days, so I'm feeling pretty proud of that).
I love Steve as my husband and always will, but the last 6 days have shown that he is definitely not my carer for 35 hours a week. His sister has done more to support me in the last 6 days than he usually achieves in a month. We're hopefully gonna be referred for a carer for both of us though, so that'll take the stress out of our relationship and we can go back to being husband and wife rather than carer for each other.
I'm chargine up my FitBit that I forgot to put back around my ankle after I got out of the bath and my phone reminded me that I needed to charge it up so that it didn't go dolally tomorrow and start the stress for me all over again. I wanna remain relaxed for as long as possible this time after the week I've had so far!
I need to remember to put another layer of clothing on under this top when I go up to bed tonight 'cos the neckline is waaay too low for me to be comfortable going outside - I'm still clothed, obviously, but the neckline shows the top of my cleavage which I've never been comfortable with, so I'll be wearing 3 layers as of tomorrow and hopefully won't be quite so cold.
This blog post is getting waaay too long, so I'm gonna publish it now I reckon then finish off the 2 litre bottle of pop I started for my breakfast this morning, before I remembered that I had the soup to have for my lunch. I've usually drained the bottle within a couple of hours, so making it last all day is pretty impressive for me!
There was a mini disaster in the kitchen this morning but the soup had been defrosting for the last 24 hours so didn't want to risk wasting it and decided to put my safety on the line without anything on my feet. I managed to get it heated up and accidentally slopped some of it onto the side of the sink, which didn't do anything to improve my confidence, but I got it heated up and eaten and I took the bowl back through in bare feet without going base over apex, but I'm shaking like a leaf now!
I wouldn't have eaten today if my MIL hadn't made the soup for me a few weeks ago and I froze it for exactly this sort of reason.
Here's today's slightly blurry lunch photo:
...dealt with as best I could but I'm not gonna use our washer/drier any more so laundry will have to be done at my MILs until I can afford to get a new one. I've got a small amount of savings that I can use, but I doubt I'd be able to get anyone out with a new machine until the New Year now. Means that todays calories will come entirely from pop 'cos I can't safely get to the kettle to make drinks or the bread and fridge to make bread and spread.
The dirty water prolly means that I'll have another infection in my big toe again now, but I've dealt with infected toes before without resorting to using the NHS, so hopefully I'll be able to this time too.
How are you all doing this morning?
I only had to take 2 pills this morning 'cos I've run out of my other supplements and it's not a Tuesday or a Thursday so I don't need to take another pill and the last two are my bedtime pills.
I've just started my daily virus scan and there will be some news for you all on here soon.
I've got my second mug of caffeine to wake me up and I'll go and make my breakfast when I've finished the news... not sure I should be having caffeine on an empty belly, but not to worry. I'm definitely eating twice today 'cos I'll be having breakfast and the soup has defrosted too, so I'll be eating lunch today. The washer/drier is definitely fucked 'cos it's not draining the water again, so that's another expense I could really have done without on top of the electricity and mortgage.
I'm not going in to visit Steve today and there's no more room in the blue sack, so I'll just be sorting out the rubbish on Steve's two tables today. I can do it, but like with everything else, I've gotta find the motivation to start.
...Tuesday's grocery order updated with stuff just for me again and I only just managed to squeeze through the minimum basket total again. There's loads of fruit, 5 MugShots and 2 packets of battered onion rings so I'll have enough to eat next week and other than the onion rings, the most complicated it gets is boiling the kettle, so that's OK.
I figured I'd do a minitidy up after I couldn't easily get to the freezer at lunchtime. Our blue bag was pretty much empty before I started and it's now absolutely crammed with cardboard and I can actually use the side for the bread and Steve's pizza's now, 'cos it's clearer for the first time in 5 days.
I've also tidied up a bit of Steve's clutter in an attempt to find the roll of plaster so that I can put it around my toe instead of just wedging tissues in there to dry up the blood and pus. I didn't find it and there's still a looong way to go, but I can't do any more until the rubbish and especially the recycling have been picked up on Monday now, but that's OK 'cos I've made a start on it now, so it's just a bit more each day now.
It's almost time for my last two pills of the day now, so I'm gonna publish this then take them and hopefully head to bed at a decent time.
Here's the 'after' photo that I took of the blue bag... wish I'd taken a 'before' one too:
...I'll be having instant soup for lunch today after all 'cos I can't find the lasagnes anywhere and there's nothing else that I can safely make, so it's a good job that I got the bread out of the freezer yesterday really so that I can have granola for my breakfasts and bread 'n' spread for my lunches. Literally the only things that I can have are frozen home-made soups (one is defrosting now), a pizza and chips... everything else is Steve's. I'll definitely be tucking into the protein bars, flapjacks and oat boosts for lunch today, by the looks of things.
...I've got my confidence back with the hot drinks now 'cos I've had a drinking chocolate and 2 decaff coffee's this morning without falling over and spilling them all over me, so I just need to work on my confidence with cooking again now.
It won't beat me and I will get through this!
I've finished charging up my FitBit, so I'm thinking I'll have a lasagne for lunch and hopefully not have to waste it like I did with the pizza and I'm gonna defrost a butternut squash to have for my lunch tomorrow too. I just need to realise that I should ignore the cooking instructions on the lasagne lol
You can do this, Amanda, just believe in yourself and don't let mistakes totally destroy your confidence.
...seems to have gone back to normal after my breakfast, so things are back on track for still going in to see Steve this afternoon.
I'm giving my FitBit a bit of juice so that it doesn't start misbehaving just before I go to bed. The wound from me picking my big toe on Monday through fear about what was happening is starting to heal up now - no more pus or blood, so just gotta wait for the swelling to go down now. Wish I knew where Steve had put the plasters so that I was less tempted to pick though lol