Just taken my evening pills and...

...finally remembered to put in the third week's grocery order.  Even though it was only a day later than normal, the delivery was 50p cheaper, so I might leave it until Wednesday every week or maybe even Thursday 'cos all the slots were still available for the Monday, so if I've managed to save 50p by waiting an extra day, maybe I could save myself a bit more if I waited to put the order in until Thursday?

If I remember I'll have a look tomorrow just to see, but I'll definitely be putting the order in on a Wednesday instead of a Tuesday from now on, assuming I remember.

I've taken my evening pills and they're starting to kick in now so I'm gonna gradually start shutting down now.  Nite nite orl.

So true (from my Facebook wall)

First official whine of the day...

...my legs are killing me, my knees won't safely hold me up for the rest of the day now that they've given way underneath me twice, my anxiety is through the roof, I've got a headache brewing, my hayfever is through the roof and I just wanna break down and cry but I can't 'cos Steve'll be home soon, ranting about how messy his legs are and D will be expecting me to support her all day after literally - hold on while I check... 3 very short sentences (and she started talking about herself before the end of the third sentence).

I've cracked open a packet of biscuits and I'm hoping to finish off most of them before Steve gets home and forces me to get back into the supportive, caring headspace again for another week, despite him doing bugger all to support me.

I was in tears and suicidal yesterday after being told that because the judge had agreed to my appeal being re-heard at the first tier again then there wasn't any more funding and the CAB have closed my case from their end too, so I'm left alone to fight it again and I'm about ready to give up on everything and put my plan into action.  I know exactly what I'm doing this time and I've been planning it for months so it's not a spur-of-the-moment decision and that I'll feel better if I can just hold on for a bit longer.

How much longer though?  

 

I've been battling these thoughts for over 2 years now and when I try to reach out in desperation I'm told to take it off Facebook and put it here in my blog which has made me feel even worse, so I've been doing my research and supporting others while being forced to battle with my own demons totally alone.  Again.

It's got to the point now where I'll struggle on until it's time for my next order of supplements then I'll get these things at the same time so that it isn't so suspicious.

I've had as much as I can take now, I really have.

Just had the med review and...

...that's it for another year now, thankfully.  I'm glad that they do the med reviews, but my last one was only in April this year lol

I can carry on with my day now... might even manage to get some studying done today 'cos there wasn't any news again.

The backups are very nearly sorted too and I've already gone past the 2 litres of liquid, so maybe today will be a good day after all?

I've decided that...

...as of now I'm not gonna hide how I'm feeling and make out that I'm feeling positive and healthy and stuff - from now on it'll be the full whine if that's how I'm genuinely feeling.  If I'm in pain then I'll say it, if I'm exhausted then I'll post about it, if I'm suicidal then I'll pour it all out here, if I'm pissed off it'll be on here.  From now on it's the full works with no hiding anything 'cos this is literally the only support I've got and I need to let it all out somewhere.  I'll try and remember to put the 'whine' tag on them, but as of now I'm gonna be as selfish as everyone else.

Busy morning so far today

Mornin' all.

 

So far today I've:

• Started the weekly virus scan
• Watered the tomatoes
• Taken my morning pills
• Made breakfast for my carer
• Started the backups
• Sorted out the forum
  
• Supported people online

I can't update the spreadsheet until the backups have finished, but I need to add my carer being asleep to it.

Got my prescription review in about half an hour so I've gotta get ready for that.

I was suicidal yesterday afternoon and it hasn't passed yet even though I reached out to multiple people for support I got buggar all in reality, so my plan is looking more and more tempting... I know how to do it, where to get the necessary supplies and I've already got my wishes typed out, so I've just gotta type out my suicide note, print it out, put it in an envelope then it's goodbye world.

The backups are about half way now, so I'm hoping it'll be finished before the med review, but if not then that's OK too.

By the time I've finished this glass of water I'll have drunk my daily target, so today is looking like another 4 litre day today.

My hayfever is through the roof today, so I hope I don't sneeze whil I'm talking to the pharmacist this morning 😃

Just bailed Steve out again

I suppose I should be grateful that it's only been three times so far this year, that it was only for £17 and that I'd had a refund on one of my credit cards (that are now, thankfully, paid off) at the weekend, so I could afford to lend Steve the money.  He's promised to pay it off on 13th of this month but you'll have to forgive me for not believing him as that's the exact promise he's made the previous twice too.

He currently owes me over £2,000 after I paid him back over £1,500 (ie the entire credit limit on one of my credit cards instead of the £200 it actually was in total) for bailing me out on the minimum payment on one of my credit cards a couple of times that I've repaid at least 5 times since then, but I've recorded it on the spreadsheet I'm keeping now.  Next time Steve says about that I'll be able to say that I paid it back on 5th May this year and if he's going to bring that up, then he actually owes me over £3,700 and I've now got proof if he queries it.

Today's lunch photo on 3rd August 2021

As you can tell from this photo, I very nearly forgot to take today's photo lol

Steve's portions are a lot better than they used to be, but there was a small amount of waste from Steve today, but that's OK and he knows to use a level instead of a heaped measure next time.

Sorry that it's a partly eaten photo instead of my normal photo before I dig in, but I completely forgot when I sat down with it, so I can only apologise.

Looks like we really are...

...gonna have veggie chilli for lunch and it's gonna be an early lunch too, 'cos my carer has just gone to make a start on it after all, so I was wrong this morning, sorry about that.

 

That's another thing crossed off today's "to-do" list

Just phoned up about my medication review and it's tomorrow morning on the home phone - it'll only need to be a 5 minute call but it's one less thing to worry about then.  Hopefully 🤞 it'll be over and done with before Steve goes for his appointment, but if not then that's OK too 'cos I haven't got anything else planned for tomorrow and Steve'll just have to use his key 🔑 to get back into the house.