Urgh! I'm feeling...

...pretty yucky right now.  I've got a blistering headache, my back is killing me, I'm swollen and wobbly, my memory is shot, I'm a bit shakey and I'm thirsty beyond belief, my mood is through the floor and I'm starting to go psychotic, but as long as I'm there for everyone else then it doesn't matter, right?

Just need to whine for a bit

It's been a while since my last whine and I'm feeling pretty rotten atm, so I figured I'd let it all out for a while.

I'm exhausted, swollen, in pain, my memory is shot, I'm thirsty, tired and just generally bleurgh.

It's one of those days where I wish I could be healthy and happy and not have to have such a limited life.

My best friend is coming over tomorrow and I bet I'll forget to text him when my lunchtime carer has gone, but even more than that, I don't want to be like an old, thread-bare, worn-out towel that's been through the wash too many times.

I'm just on a downer this afternoon.

Mornin' all

I hope I'm wrong, but it seems like today is gonna be a bad day for me, physically, 'cos I've already fallen over twice in the last half an hour, I'm swollen, sore, exhausted and just generally bleh.

I've remembered not to open my emails 'cos of the virus scan and I've plugged in my spam/scam phone to charge up so I've just gotta remember the Freeglers coming this afternoon now.

My morning pills have been popped and the first video of the day taken so I'm all ready to go now.

Time to put today's to-do list up while I wait for my morning carer now... will she do her job and support me (ie do what I'm paying for) or will she do like the vast majority of them and use her phone for the entire visit?

That's...

...9 wees in 4½ hours without the help of caffeine so I hope I'm just having a bad bladder day and not that my bladder pills have stopped working!!

I've been for...

...3 wees in the last hour, so it'll be a bad bladder day today, by the looks of things.

Aaaaand...

...relax for the next hour.

The fan has gone at last so I've got more room to move about in and more things for my youngest nephew to get into trouble with now lol

According to my groceries account my shopping is due at 3.51pm and I've got a bit of a headache brewing and I'm getting unsteadier on my feet each time I stand up.  My memory is shot and my head feels like it's full of cotton wool again, but that's nothing new to me, so I'm fine, promise.

Since I opened the...

...door the first time, I've been sniffing and sneezing my head off thanks to the hayfever which isn't doing my physical stability any better which is lowering my mood and yadda yadda yadda, but I'm fine  😔

I've just seen the email about this afternoon's grocery delivery and everything except the orange juices is in stock so when I've finished off the last two from last week, I'll have to find something very liquidy to wash my breakfasts down with... I can see decaff mochas being a staple morning drink this week lol

I had wondered why...

...my bones were aching - it's peeing it down outside!

A steaming mug of creamy hot choccie will hopefully take my mind off it after I've had my breakfast though!

Could the swelling up all over my body be caused by the rain too?  I know some of the bone pain is 'cos of it, but I've never put the swelling down to it before!

Now that I've opened the front door (because I could have sworn my carer h... she arrived just as I was typing that.

I'm now wobbly, cream-crackered, in pain, fuzzy headed and shaking like a leaf, but it's time for breakfast now, while I recover and get ready for the rest of the day.

I think I've decided to...

...talk about how I'm feeling physically and mentally a bit more on here.  If I forget or I'm having a bad day or I don't want to worry you, I'll still be saying "I'm fine" and then smiling, but my best friend said the last time that I saw him, at the end of last week, that I should talk about my health more so that people can try to help and support me more when I'm struggling, right C?

It'll take some getting used to 'cos it's been a habit since I started Primary School so it'll take a while to unlearn that habit and re-learn this new one.

Basically, be on the look out for more "whine" tags here on my blog from now on lol

I've been outside today so...

...pollen is stuck to my clothes and throughout the house so I've opened the downstairs windows and the back door to make sure that my hayfever is through the roof again.

My eyes are streaming and itching soo badly, when I'm not sniffing I'm sneezing, I've got a blistering headache, it feels like a gazillion ants are crawling all over my body, my head's itchy and my throat is really sore and swollen so I'm really not feeling that positive right now, but this is me until September/October kinda time and I've just gotta put up and shut up about it, just like with everything else 🤷

Mornin' all

Gooooood morning everybody!

I'm stiff, sore, cotton-wooly and just want to go back to bed, but I'm up and downstairs now so I haven't got a choice.

I've popped my morning pills so I'm already for my first carer of the week to claim credit for supporting me for 30 minutes while she does, at best, chuff all, but more usually using her phone to sends texts or WhatsApp messages or watch video's for the entire 18 minutes then leaves no matter how dressed or otherwise I am - they usually close the door behind them now though, which I'm grateful for.

The virus scan has come to a standstill again, which is frustrating, but I'll just have to be patient I guess.

Time to put up today's to-do list methinks.

Gooooood morning all

I've woken up in a great mood this morning along with being in pain, confused, a cotton wool head, wobbly, knackered, itchy, coughing, sniffing, sneezing, watery eyes and just my normal daily grottiness, but I'm in a great mood so far... not even my hayfever is dampening my mood so far this morning!

I've started off the daily virus scan and got a drinking chocolate on the go to set me up for a little while and I'm charging up my watch 'cos it was at 1 blob while I was in bed last night, so it's a good job Gaia prompted me to have a look then put the reminder in my phone!  I had an overwhelming feeling that someone I consider to be a great friend was on the verge of doing something silly last night, so I sent them a rapid and short email and I hope they reconsidered.

I've taken my morning pills, so I'm dosed up until lunchtime now.

Gotta remember to email my electricity provider to see if there's any way to add the daily standing charges to my smart meter... ideally at midnight so that I don't have to keep doing maths and probably getting it wrong.  I couldn't be without my smart meter now so if it's possible to get the standing charges added automatically, it'll be perfect for me.

Need a 💩 now so gonna publish this and go for one before I make a start on my day's to-do list.

It's definitely...

...getting darker, earlier and staying dark for longer and the clocks haven't even changed yet!

My mood is already slipping and sliding down the rocky slope of SAD so I apologise if I start getting snappy or unmotivated or tired or whatever else from now until the days start lengthening again.  I'm gonna try and plod on, supporting everyone else during this time, same as I always have, but pressure and guilt trips won't work this time so save your breath.  I need to look after me for a while so you'll have to find someone else to contact for support 'cos just for a change, for the first time in my life, I'll need to get rather than give support this season so please respect that.

In the last 45 years...

...I've lost:

• all 4 grandparents
• 2 children
• my father
• my father-in-law
• my husband

That's 9 close relatives and I'm only just middle-aged.

I've seen my mum 3 times since my father's funeral in 2010 and my brother only at my father's funeral.

For medical reasons (other than the menopause) I'm infertile so my twins were my one and only chance of becoming a mum.

I lost my father in 2010 and my father-in-law became my male role model until he died last year.

I became a young Yule widow in 2022 but instead of being allowed to grieve I've had to support others constantly.

I've got 2 rare disabilities that I'm having to cope with alone with pretty much no support as I'm seen as too selfish and demanding when I ask for help and I'm told that I'm ungrateful when I try and express the opinion I was told to give 6 weeks ago.

I'm teetering on a very thin, very sharp knife edge but nobody gives a fuck about me as long as I'm still there for them whenever they need support.

I stupidly thought that I could reach out for support amongst those I've been supporting for decades, but I was wrong... so, so wrong.

Knew it was too good to be true! :-(

I've always had an addictive personality, I just didn't realise how much I relied on Steve to keep me off the chocolate.

Please stop laughing.

Yep, totally serious.

So far this morning I've had 15 treat size bars of chocolate, 6 chocolate biscuits and a moca... it's not even 8.15am yet.

It was the same yesterday when I had 18 bars of chocolate and 2 hot chocolates.

Since the groceries came on Tuesday, I've polished off 2kg of treat-sized bars of chocolate.  

 

Alone.

Yep, totally serious about that too.

I thought I'd come out of the other side of that addiction but it seemed to have just been lulling me into a false sense of security.

I've still got my spending addiction under control (cue me going off the rails with that too now) but I haven't been given a choice about that since losing Steve 'cos every penny has to be accounted for now otherwise I won't be able to afford the important things like the mortgage and water and electricity and council tax and my prescriptions and the groceries etc.

I've gotta make a more determined effort to cut this addiction off right away otherwise I'll be overwhelmed again and I really don't wanna go down that road again.

If I say that I'm gonna have more chocolate please, please, please distract me or persuade me out of it or whatever so that I can nip this stupid thing in the bud before I get to the point of no return again.

Mornin' all

I'm still feeling ruff as chuff this morning so prolly won't have any breakfast and just stick to water this morning.

I'm going over to my in-laws for lunch, so don't wanna take any risks this morning otherwise I'll lose my lunch everywhere.

I'm predicting that there will be a demand from someone I've been doing a favour for and this person has already publically promised that it'll happen "as soon as possible" and that "there haven't been any recent updates due to unforseen circumstances".  It hasn't happened yet, thankfully, but I'm predicting, at 5.58am on Sunday 29th January 2023, that it'll happen before the end of February 'cos I know this person's pattern now and it'll carry on being totally about them, then there will be another major disaster then they will say that it needs to be done urgently and won't like it when I refuse this time, but right now I really don't care.

I've already taken my morning pills and I've got a can of ginger beer on the go.  My FitBit is fully charged and so is my phone now, so that's OK.

My morning carer is due any time now and I've certainly found out who my true friends are and it turns out that only one of 'em sticks around when I need support rather than it constantly being about them.

Today's to-do list is gonna be weird 'cos I'll be out for a while today and I've already done most of what I can do with the bigger things so it'll be a short to-do list today I reckon.

I've just started my daily virus scan going and I'm hopeful that it'll be clear again.

Mornin' all

How's things for you all this morning?

So far today I've made Steve's breakfast for him then taken his bowl out and just generally cared for my carer for 105 minutes so far this morning, which is more than he's supported me all week combined (44 minutes).  We've both got medical appointments today, so I'll be making 100% of the meals again today and doubt I'll be safe enough to make anything for myself when I've made Steve's instant soup for him, so it looks like today's meals will be the half a pot of dry-roasted peanuts I had for my breakfast and 4 biscuits for lunch.  Steve's eaten 10 proper meals so far this week (I made 9 of 'em) and I've had 2 - yesterday's breakfast and lunch.

I've taken my morning pills and I've remembered to take 100% of them so far this week!  Yay me!

Time to go and make the first hot drink of the day now I reckon.  I can't remember the last time Steve made one for me and he usually has literally one or two sips of the ones I make for him, then he falls asleep, which is frustrating, but I have to keep doing it otherwise he'll whine like a baby about how thirsty he is, so I have to make a fresh drink for him every time he wakes up.

Almost forgot about the virus scan... hopefully it'll be reassuringly clear again today, but you can't be too careful with these things I don't reckon - better safe than sorry and all that jazz.

Mornin' all

I've decided against running the weekly virus scan this morning - assuming we get back before it's too late, I'll run the scan when we get home and do the backups tomorrow, but if it is too late to do the scan, I'll just delay it until tomorrow then it can be running while I'm in the bath and I'll do the backups when I get out.  Thankfully today is a rare occasion for me, so just pushing it back for one day is fine by me and it'll be back to normal next week.

I've already taken my pills and I'm pondering on a few squirts of the B12 spray to keep me going today.  I'm gonna be absolutely wiped out when I get home after not being able to eat or drink all day.

I'm charging my phone up but I'm gonna leave it here today 'cos I'm not taking my bag with me so I won't have anywhere to put it.

Absolutely cream-crackered already so I'll be moving around as little as possible today and I'll definitely have an early night tonight.  My legs are already wobbly so I hope I manage to stay on my feet today 'cos if they give way on me, there's no way I'll be able to get back to my feet again.

To give him credit, Steve's boiling the kettle so that he has warm water to wash at the kitchen sink with, so hopefully there will be enough hot water in the heater for me to have a warm bath tomorrow, which'l help my legs and help me to recover from today.  It's not often that I ask Steve to not use the hot water, but he always "forgets" then wonders why I get out of the bath or shower shivering, ask for the heater to be on full blast and totally unable to warm up for literally days afterwards, even in the middle of a heatwave with 3 layers of clothes on!

It's nice and light out there now, so when Steve's finished getting washed, I'll go and give the plants their morning drink.

I'm hoping I'll be able to get a few "active minutes" on my FitBit today 'cos of walking from the car, into the station, onto the train then in reverse when it's time to come home.  I'm not gonna focus on that today though - today I'm gonna be focussing on my in-laws and staying on my feet so that I don't embarrass Steve and his family if my legs give way underneath me.

This blog post is getting too long now, so I'm gonna publish it.  Not sure if I'll make another post before we get home, so just in case, I'll say TTYL now and I'll be back as soon as I can.

Very nearly...

...10 hours of care provided for my carer compared to his 6 minutes this morning doing the washing up.  Before 6.15pm tonight I'll have supported him the same as he's done for both of us PLUS double the minimum required support to be recognised as a carer.

This is gonna be a weird week, but there's a very remote chance that I'll get 5 hours of care out of him on Wednesday for the first time EVER but I can pretty much guarantee that it'll be an over 10 hour day, possibly even approaching 15 hours for me.  We are gonna be exhausted, but only one of us will be able to recover before I head to bed and that person won't be me.  I just hope my carer doesn't want any hot drinks in the afternoon 'cos that'd be downright dangerous as opposed to my usual unsafe after what I'll be going through.

I'm gonna have a shower as opposed to a bath tomorrow, so that I can wash my manky hair 'cos I won't need to remove any of my clothes tomorrow like I will at the medical appointments, so I won't need to shave until the day before the first appointment, so I'm gonna use my time wisely instead of looking for relaxation.  I'll be having 1 shower and 2 baths in 2 weeks which hasn't happened for a very long time.  I usually have a shower every 6-8 weeks (if I'm getting my hair cut) and I only have baths if I'm leaving the street for a medical appointment so that I don't stink the doctors surgery or hospital out.  Basically I've had 14 baths or showers in 19 months and won't be having any more for months after the second doctors appointment with any luck.

I've now cared for my carer for double the minimum required each day, plus over the 6 minutes my carer spent doing the washing up this morning.

Let's do a breakdown of what we've each consumed today, to start the week off with, shall we?

I've consumed:

1 bowl of granola for breakfast
2 ends of bread and dairy free spread for lunch
1 mug of decaffeinated coffee
1 mug of drinking chocolate
1 can of Dr Pepper
1 mug of decaffeinated tea

My carer has consumed:

1 large bowl of Shreddies
4 sandwiches made with dairy free spread and
1 jar of crab paste
1 large portion of hash browns
1 large portion of potato wedges
2 x foot-long Subway subs
2 x pots of garlic aoli
1 mug of drinking chocolate
2 mugs of decaffeinated coffee

Guess which one of us needs to put on weight this week and will be eating even less on Wednesday?  Hint:  it's not my carer.

Guess which one of us has made all the meals and answered the door to my carer's tea this evening?  Hint:  it's not my carer again.

Guess which one of us is going to bed hungry tonight?  Hint:  you're right, it's not my carer.

Today has been weird with the no editing thing... I woke up and I didn't immediately find which book needed to be edited again, like I did last week.  Didn't even touch my short stories folder!  I'm gonna leave off the editing this week and potentially next week then crack on with it again the week after as I start to recover from a busy couple of weeks.  Gotta remember to update the list of the times I've left the street this week and next week too... you watch me forget though lol.

Gotta remember not to start the weekly virus scan or backups on Wednesday otherwise I'll literally get psychotic with worry the whole time I'm out and won't have access to my regular coping mechanisms which'll make it even worse and harder to cope with.  I'll run the virus scan as soon as we get home and the backups first thing on Thursday morning before I do anything else on the computer... it'll only take about 3 hours, so that can be running while I'm making my carer's breakfast, taking his bowl back through to the kitchen then caring for him as he spends the rest of the morning fast asleep.

Just had the reminder come up for taking my last two pills of the day, so I'm gonna finish draining my mug then turn the light on and pop 'em.  Gotta remember to water the plants before it gets too much darker too.

TTFN.

Well timed by me

I managed to put away the dry washing up then do the washing up, come back in here and sit down with literally a minute to spare 'cos my legs are wobbly, my knees are killing me and the only place it's safe for me to be is bed now, but I've gotta keep caring for my carer until he decides otherwise.

I've drained a tepid hot drink, so I can see me waking up in desperate need of a wee at 3am now... if I do, I'll stay down here and put in an extra couple of hours of care for my carer instead of going back to bed and waking up with a cotton wool head which wouldn't be safe when I make my carers 3 meals tomorrow too.  Assuming I stay safely upright while the food is cooking, I could potentially eat twice tomorrow, but we shall have to see closer to the time.