Wednesday 22 December 2021

I've had enough, I really have

I've been trying to reach out for support for years but it always goes back to the person I'm trying to reach out to so I end up supporting them when I'm barely clinging on myself.

I've tried to talk to my carer and he just can't stop himself from falling asleep. 

I've tried reaching out to D but she's got a lot of her own things going on right now. 

I've tried reaching out to C but he doesn't know how to help or what to say to support me.

I've tried reaching out on the forum and everyone gets worried that maybe the support needs support for a change.

I've tried reaching out on FB and I'm ignored.

I've tried talking to people via DM and it always goes back to them in under 5 messages.

I've tried reaching out to my GP but he's already got too much on his plate with Covid.

I've tried reaching out to my mum but it always goes back to how well my brother is doing.

Apparently I'm going to see the in-laws twice within 5 days at the end of the year.

I pay for the groceries but the majority of the stuff is stuff purely for Steve.

I pay for the electric but Steve gets the credit for it because it's in his name.

I've bought gifts for literally everyone for every birthday and Christmas for the last 20 years, but it's Steve that takes the credit for that too, even when his name isn't on the tag and I "must have forgotten to add my name, but it definitely is from me too".

I've made suggestions that have been totally rejected to my face then the person I suggested it to takes full credit for the idea when it turns out to be good/accurate.

When I've followed someone's suggestion and it turns out to be totally wrong that's my fault.

Perish the thought that I should need support.

I have to hold it in and cope by harming myself in secret.

I can't remember the last time I could afford to buy new clothes for myself, yet apparently I can afford to pay a small fortune for Steve's clothes.

My mum got a large Amazon voucher for both of us for Christmas last year, but Steve spent every penny of it on things that he wanted and I didn't see a penny of it.

I'm mentally and physically disabled and this is as good as I will ever get, yet I've got bugger all support because my carer apparently "does everything for her" so he gets support and credit and money, yet I rarely get above 2 hours of care out of him a week and I frequently spend over 75 hour a week caring for him but apparently I don't do anything for him.

I really am at the end of my rope again, but no-one gives a fuck as long as I'm there for them.  I've done my research this time though, and just need to get my Will written then that's it, once and for all.

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